


Love, John

by JetGirl1832, tomatopudding



Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Love Simon Fusion, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Awkward Flirting, Drama & Romance, Eventual Romance, Everybody Lives, F/F, F/M, Family Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Henry Laurens is a good father, Light Angst, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Multi, Musicals, Teenagers, Theatre, not Waffle House
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-06-25 21:59:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 23,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15649749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JetGirl1832/pseuds/JetGirl1832, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomatopudding/pseuds/tomatopudding
Summary: John is just a normal, every day guy. He has normal parents and normal siblings and a pretty normal life. John has one big secret that he's been keeping to himself, not even his very best friends know. John is gay. When another kid at Yorktown High anonymously comes out on the school's tumblr page, John gets in contact with them and starts a series of events he never could have predicted.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all have noooo idea just how excited we are about this! We've been planning this AU since the first time we saw Love, Simon and since then we have both seen it more times and read all the books in the Simon vs. series.
> 
> YOU DO NOT NEED TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE SIMON UNIVERSE TO READ THIS FIC. It might help you figure out who the real love interest is, but who knows maybe we'll trick you a little bit along the way.
> 
> We've decided to do a combination of the movie and the books, using the differences between the two to our advantage in crafting this story. And who knows, maybe we'll do Leah on the Off Beat next... ;-)

I’m John, and I’m a pretty normal guy, just like everyone else. My dad is the annoyingly handsome quarterback who married the hot valedictorian. They love each other just as much now as they did when they were high school sweethearts. Honestly, they’ve gotten even sappier with age, which is equal parts inspiring and nauseating. I have an older sister who just started college and a little brother I actually like, but don’t tell him I said that.

 

The final members of our little family are the dogs. I remember when we went to the shelter when I was eight or so. We went in looking for one dog, but my dad absolutely fell in love with this pair of bonded stray puppies. My father couldn’t bear to break them apart and after two pairs of real puppydog eyes—not to mention my dad’s version of them—and my mother gave in. And they couldn’t be more different in appearance, a small Jack Russell Terrier called Sonny, and black lab mix called Cher. The naming of the two was all me, even then I had a thing for classic rock. The dogs are still the best of friends and seeing little Sonny sleeping curled up on Cher every night is one of the most adorable things the world has ever seen, especially if you ask my friend Eliza. I’m convinced that’s the real reason she likes hanging out at my house.

 

In addition to my normal family, I have some pretty normal best friends. Two of them I’ve known for basically my entire life and one joined us only a few months ago. But it feels like we’ve known each other our whole lives. First there’s Eliza Schuyler and Hercules Mulligan. They live across the street from each other and we’re having play dates from around the age of two. I met them in kindergarten and we’ve been inseparable every since. Then there is Maria Lewis, she moved her over the summer from Washington D.C. She integrated pretty quickly into our little group. Well, mostly. I kind of get the feeling sometimes that Eliza may not like Maria as much as she lets on, but not often.    
  


For the most part everything feels pretty perfect. My family is close and far too invested in The Bachelor and my friends and I drink too much ice coffee. Just a normal suburban life.    
  
Except for my one big ass secret: nobody knows I’m gay. It was something that just sort of slipped through the cracks, and seemed best not to bring up in South Carolina. And I kind of always thought that it would stay that way for me. At least, until That Day.

 

That day being when I was just minding my own business, watching YouTube videos and interrupted by an obnoxious ring telling me that someone is trying to FaceTime me. Of course it was Eliza. The only people who actually FaceTime me are Eliza and my sister.    
  
“Have you looked at the tumblr?” Eliza blurted out.   
  
“I don’t even get a hey John?” I replied.   
  


“We’ve known each other long enough the pleasantries aren’t important,” said Eliza, “Did you see the tumblr or not?”   
  
Our school has a tumblr page. Nobody knows who started it or even who maintains it, it’s just kind of there. People use it as a forum to make anonymous confessions. Usually it’s stupid things like skipping the line at lunch or lying to a teacher about why they didn’t do their homework. I don’t go on there very often, but Eliza checks it constantly. She likes knowing what’s going on. 

 

“Not recently,” I confessed.   
  


“Do it now,” Eliza commanded.    
  
“Uh huh,” I responded, not really meaning to do it at all.    
  
“Somebody wrote this long post coming out of the closet.”   
  
Well. That certainly changed things. I wasn’t really listening to Eliza anymore, she was going on about who it might be, which grade, if we knew him, but I was busy loading the tumblr page. The post was so new that it was still at the top of the page.   
My heart began to beat fast as I read through the post in its entirety, taking it all in. It didn’t feel real, there was no way this was happening. 

  
The post was several paragraphs long, amazingly well written, and it seemed to capture every thought I had. It was signed, quite mysteriously, as “Ender.”   
  
Eliza was still talking about something, even though all she could see through FaceTime was my ceiling since I’d put my phone down.    
  
“I’ve gotta go, Eliza,” I told her, “Sonny just tore up my Fleetwood Mac poster.”   
  
At the sound of his name, Sonny poked his head up from where he’d been innocently sleeping on my bed. I hung up the phone and turned my focus back to the tumblr post. I read it three or four more times, my heart in my throat. Then there was the email, a very mysterious email, but one nonetheless. I quickly went to my  own to start typing done sort of message but just as quickly logged out. I couldn’t risk writing with my own email. It was far too distinctive. Ender has chosen to remain anonymous and so I would as well. Once I had created a new gmail address, I opened a message and began to type. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We don't usually write in first person. Hope it isn't too weird ha


	2. Interlude: Emails

From:  oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

To:  igiveumyworld@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Hello

 

Dear Jacques,   
  
I’ll admit, it’s nice to know that there’s somebody else at this school with the same secret as me. I suppose it’s good to know you’re not alone, and I’ll admit I took a risk with that Tumblr post. I wouldn’t dare go off of anonymous, though, this part of the country is not really known for its openness. I hope that you understand, that I intend to keep that veil between us now as well for now. With that in mind I hope this doesn’t deter you, it’s nice to have an ally. So write me back soon so we can commiserate and celebrate together.    
  
Your friend,   
Ender

 

* * *

 

From:  igiveumyworld@gmail.com

To:  oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

Subject: URGENT

 

Ender,   
  
I have a very pressing matter that needs to resolved before we can continue this friendship. You’d better not laugh because this is extremely important before we continue whatever...this...is. There are many important decision a person makes in their life. Who to marry. What career path to choose. Boxers or briefs. Or commando. But there’s one very important, life altering question that needs to be answered. What is your favorite snack? This may seem an innocent question, but there is only one correct answer. Don’t disappoint me.   
  
Jacques

 

* * *

 

From:  oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

To:  igiveumyworld@gmail.com

Subject: Re: URGENT

 

Jacques,

  
Are you kidding? That’s an easy one. Oreos, of course. I love it around Halloween when we get those ones with the orange filling.    
  
So. Did I get it right? Will you continue to be my friend? Or have I ruined this forever?   
  
Ender   
  


* * *

 

From:  igiveumyworld@gmail.com

To:  oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Re: URGENT

 

Ender,   
  
You have passed young Grasshopper.   
  
Jacques   
  


* * *

 

From:  oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

To:  igiveumyworld@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Re: Re: URGENT   
  


Jacques,   
  
I am filled with relief. You had me on tenterhooks there for a moment.    
  
Ender   
  


* * *

 

From:  igiveumyworld@gmail.com

To:  oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: URGENT   
  
Ender,   
  
You are literally the only person in the entire world to use the word tenterhooks. Honestly, it’s adorable.    
  
Jacques

 

* * *

 

From:  oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

To;  igiveumyworld@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: URGENT

 

Jacques,   
  
I blame my vast vocabulary on the fact that I received a thesaurus for my birthday last year.   
  
Ender

  
  



	3. Chapter 1

Two days. A whole weekend that Ender and I have been emailing each other. It hasn’t even been that long, and sure I don’t really know anything about him, but still...I already feel this kind of connection with Ender. I can’t explain it. And now that it’s Monday, I’ll be in the same building as Ender all day and I don’t even know who he is. And it’s killing me, the hours I’ve spent looking for any sort of clues is embarrassing. I mean, the biggest thing I know about him is our mutual love of Oreos. But, I mean, who doesn’t love Oreos? I’m afraid that I haven’t been quite as tight lipped as Ender about myself. Not that I’ve said anything particularly incriminating or anything.    
  


Still I couldn’t help but look around and hope to catch a glimpse of someone eating Oreos and hope it was him. It was really very pathetic.   
  


Of course, my friends didn’t know that any of these things were going through my head, so they probably just thought I was being a bit ditzier than usual.    
  
“Good thing you weren’t this distracted while you were driving us in this morning,” Eliza said during lunch.    
  
We were sitting at our usual table with Herc and Maria, of course, and a couple of guys from the soccer team, Alex and Aaron. The two of them are best friends, even though it seems half the time they’re at each other’s throats.   
  


“I’m always a good driver,” I balked because it was true, and no one trusts Herc in the driver's seat.   
  
“You do seem kind of spacy,” Maria agreed.    
  
“Just thinking about rehearsal,” I defended.

 

“You really do shine as a Cabaret boy,” Maria grinned.

 

Herc snorted in amusement, “Are you kidding? John can’t dance to save his life. I’m surprised Mrs. Washington even cast him.”   
  
“I can too dance!” I protested, kicking Herc under the table, “Plus, it’s a school production and there are never enough guys anyway, so I was never not going to be cast.”

 

“And we’ll all come to the show to support you,” Eliza added.

 

“Thanks Liza,” I smiled.

 

“And to Maria,” Herc added, giving her a grin.    
  
I saw Maria blush, she’d managed to get herself cast as Sally Bowles and she rocked it. I noticed Eliza make an odd face at that, but she hid it by reaching down the table to steal an Oreo from in front of Alex.    
  
“Hey!” Alex protested.    
  
I stopped myself from doing a double take. Oreos. Could it be?   
  


“You owe me an Oreo,” Alex frowned pulling the sleeve closer to himself.   
  
“Just helping you maintain your athletic physique,” Eliza smirked taking a bite of cookie.   
  
I pulled out my phone and tried to load gmail, to see if I had any new messages from Ender, but this school has literally the worst service ever. I hated to do it, but I would need to use the library computer. Damn.    
  
“I gotta go,” I said, sending one last glance towards Alex.    
  
He was talking to Aaron again, his cookies held protectively close.    
  
“I’ll see you at rehearsal,” I added. I didn’t have any afternoon classes with my friends, especially since my free period was right after lunch.    
  
“See ya,” Maria called, tipping an imaginary hat.

  
I smiled and made my way to the library, my fingers itching to type. I desperately wanted to talk to Ender, ask him more questions and hope to get real answers. I chose a computer near be back of the library. None of them were really secluded, but I did my best. When I logged into gmail, it took forever to load. I tapped my foot impatiently.

  
“Come on,” I groaned, as I watched the loading circle spin.

 

Just as my inbox had loaded and I saw that there was indeed a message from Ender waiting there, I was startled by a voice.    
  
“How’s it going there, Johnny boy?”   
  
Vice Principal Jefferson really likes me. I don’t know why, I’m not exactly a model student, but the man talks to me like we’re friends or something. I clicked away from the email I had just opened to a different tab.    
  
“Good,” I replied, “it’s going good, uh, here.”

 

“Good, good,” Vice Principal Jefferson nodded.   
  
I think that he thinks that he’s cool, but no one really wants to tell him that he isn’t. He’s just awkward.

 

“Doing some good old research, huh?” Jefferson said.    
  
I glanced towards the screen. The tab is switched to had a google search that the previous person to use the computer had left. Something about American Samoa.    
  
“You know me,” I said, forcing a laugh, “always with the research.”   
  


“Of course,” Jefferson grinned.   
  
We looked at each other for a moment, why the fuck wouldn’t he leave?   
  
After a long silence, I cleared my throat awkwardly.    
  
“I should probably...” I trailed off.    
  
“Right,” Jefferson said, not really getting the hint.    
  
I mumbled something about getting a book and got out of there quickly. I was still annoyed that I hadn’t gotten the chance to reply to Ender. But I couldn’t do that with Jefferson hanging around like a purple velvet wearing vulture. But I had to keep up appearances, so I wandered my way into the stacks and pretended to be searching for a book. That’s where Lee found me.    
  
Charles Lee is seriously one of the most annoying guys in our grade. He’s also, and I hate to admit this, kind of talented. He can carry a tune and everything. That’s why he was cast as the Emcee. To be clear, I never really thought he was a bad guy, per se. Just...kind of a creep. A creep who apparently was bound to be the next obstacle in my quest of emailing Ender. I kind of sensed him lurking near me in the stacks, but I ignored him and continued to pretend to search for a book, hoping that he would just leave me alone. Of course I couldn’t be so lucky, because Lee swung around the corner and walked straight up to me. There was no escape now.

 

“My brother is gay, you know,” he said.    
  
“Oh...okay,” I replied, confused, “That’s great? I guess?”

 

“Just thought you might want to know,” Lee continued.

 

“Okay,” I said again, beginning to walk past him, “I gotta go.”   
  
“I saw your emails.”   
  
I stopped in my tracks and turned slowly to face Lee, resisting the urge to pin him against the stacks and demand answers.    
  
“Excuse me?” I said lowly.

 

“You know you really should learn to log out of your email,” Lee folded his arms across his chest.

 

And now I was really getting angry and also a little scared.    
  
“Did you read my emails?” I asked, taking care to keep my voice quiet.    
  
“You’re lucky it was me and not someone else,” Lee countered.

 

“What the fuck man!” I hissed.

 

“I’m not going to tell anyone,” scoffed Lee. I relaxed, but only until he said the next part of his sentence, “providing that you do something for me.”   
  
“Wow. Blackmail,” I deadpanned, “Nice.”   
  
“It’s not blackmail,” Lee insisted, “just an exchange of favors.”   
  
“That I’ll only agree to in return for not having my secret spread,” I retorted, “That’s not blackmail at all.”

 

It was clear Lee was choosing to ignore me, “So you’re really close with Maria Lewis.”   
  
“Yeeees,” I said, drawing the word out, already suspicious of where this was going.    
  


“I was kinda hoping to go out with her,” Lee added.   
  
“Good luck with that,” I snorted, there was no way Maria would be interested.

 

“I was kinda hoping to go out with her,” Lee added.   
  
“Good luck with that,” I snorted, there was no way Maria would be interested.   
  
“That’s where you come in,” said Lee, “that’s what I want in return for not spreading your secret to the whole school.”   
  
“I can’t force her to like you,” I told him.    
  
“Just put in a good word, talk me up,” Lee insisted.   
  
I let out a sigh, “Fine.”

 

Lee grinned. It was a nice smile, all things considered, but the context soured the moment.

 

I was out of it for the rest of the day and was called out by Mrs. Washington during rehearsals.   
  
“Laurens!” Mrs. Washington barked at me.

 

I stumbled over my own feet in my rush to turn towards her and probably would have fallen over if Maria hadn’t stopped me from doing so.

 

“What do you think you’re doing?” Mrs. Washington put her hands on her hips.   
  
“Dancing?” I replied sheepishly.

 

Mrs. Washington raised an eyebrow. She could say some much with her eyebrows, it was kind of scary. I swallowed waiting for to do or say something.

 

“If you could be your normal level of ineptitude,” Mrs. Washington said finally, “that would be grand.”

 

I found myself blushing furiously and once again wondered how on earth that woman was married to the principal of Yorktown High. I mean, don’t get me wrong we all love Mrs. Washington, but sometimes we’re not sure that she likes us. This was certainly one of those times, and as I went to go take my place again for the number I could swear I heard her muttering something.

 

It sounded vaguely along the lines of, “I was in Lion King on broadway and now I’m here.”   
  


I couldn’t help but wonder if it was true, but I didn’t want to get caught off guard again. A little later in the afternoon while Mrs. Washington was working on some scenes, the rest of us were sent to paint sets. It was there that I found myself next to Lee. Great. He kept giving me these looks, widening his eyes and not-so-subtly jerking his head in Maria’s direction. I sighed and looked at Maria who was blissfully unaware while she painted the sign for the Kit Kat Klub.   
  
I was thinking about maybe going to talk to her, when Lee made a sudden pained noise.    
  
“I think I got a splinter or something,” he said, “Hey, Laurens, you know where the first aid kit is, right?”   
  
How could someone act so well on stage and then completely fail in a real life situation?   
  
“It’s backstage,” I sighed, standing up and leading the way back.    
  
Once we were there, Lee grinned as he held out his hands.    
  
“I’m not really hurt,” he told me, as if I didn’t already know that.    
  
“No shit,” I muttered folding my arms across my chest, “what do you want now?”   
  
“A little more effort would be nice,” Lee said.    
  
“I haven’t even seen her all day,” I told him, “Give me a break, here.”   
  


“Fine,” Lee rolled his eyes.   
  


Maria poked her head backstage at that moment.    
  
“Did you guys get lost back here or something?” she joked.    
  
“We’ll be right back out there,” I told her.    
  
“Splinter,” Lee blurt out.   
  
Maria blinked at him, “Okay...well hurry up. We’ve got a lot more painting to do before we can get out of here.”   
  
With a final look at me, she left.    
  
“Look,” I said, turning to Lee, “Maria, Eliza, Herc, and I are getting together at my place to walk to the Halloween party at Alex’s house. Do you want to come with us?”   
  
Lee was grinning, and that grin made me very nervous, “Alright!”   
  
“Great,” I replied, not really meaning it. My friends were going to kill me.

 

While getting ready for the Halloween party I almost forgot I’d even invited Lee and got caught up in the costumes. Eliza and I had been doing joint costumes for Halloween since the first one after we met. It’s become our tradition. Herc used to join us too, but he doesn’t really any more. Eliza and I don’t mind, we have fun. This year we decided to go dressed as John Lennon and Yoko Ono. Once again this was my idea, but I was pleased that Eliza was along for the ride with me.

 

It was actually a pretty easy costume to put together, all things considered. My dad even already had the long wig and glasses. And I looked pretty great in a white linen suit, I might add. Eliza and I had already been “pregaming” with fruit punch and cookies for a while when Herc showed up wearing his school soccer uniform.    
  
“Wow,” Eliza snorted, “you’ve hit a new level of lazy.”   
  
“Oh come on,” Herc huffed, pitting his arms out, “you know what this is.”   
  
“You dressing up as yourself for Halloween,” I deadpanned.    
  
Herc let out a sigh and turned around. Where “Mulligan” was printed ok the jersey, Herc had taped a rectangular piece of paper with bubble letters.    
  
“Ronaldo,” Eliza read, “Of course you’re-“   
  
And Herc spoke with her unison now, definitely more excited than she was, “Christiano Ronaldo.”   
  
“I can’t believe you didn’t even bother to fill in the letters,” Eliza laughed.

 

“So?” Herc raissd his brow.   
  
“I’m not letting you out like that,” Eliza decided fixing her wide brimmed hat, “John, I need a sharpie stat.”

 

While Eliza was busy coloring in Herc’s letters, the two of them chatting and teasing each other, Maria arrived. My parents must have let her in because she joined us in the backyard without warning.

 

“Hey all!” Maria struck pose.

 

I let out a low whistle, “Look at you!”   
  
Maria was dressed as Wonder Woman in booty shorts and a corset top, her hair flowing down her shoulders. I guess it probably says a lot about me that the first thing I noticed was how accurate her armbands and crown headband were. Not anything I didn’t already know, but it certainly says something.    
  


“I’m a badass Amazon warrior princess!” Maria beamed.   
  


“I’ll say,” Herc agreed, looking a little bit star struck.    
  
“So we ready to rock and roll?” Eliza stepped up.

 

“Um, actually there’s something I forgot to tell you guys,” I said sheepishly.    
  
“Hey there, party animals! Ready to get this show on the road!”   
  
Lee’s timing was, of course, perfect.    
  
“No...” Eliza whispered.    
  
“Man,” sighed Herc.    
  
“You didn’t,” Maria hissed at me.

 

“What? Lee’s a cool guy,” I shrugged trying to be casual, but failing miserably.

 

“Looking hot, Maria,” Lee said, shooting her a wink.    
  
Maria wrapped her arms around herself looking mildly uncomfortable. I couldn’t help but think it was a combination of things, for one it was Charles Lee. The second being that he was wearing a fake grey beard, and a black slip that looked like it was covered in magnetic poetry.   
  
“What are you supposed to be?” Eliza asked looking him up and down.

 

“Isn’t it obvious?” Lee asked, “Freud in a slip. I’m a Freudian slip, get it?”   
  
Okay, that was actually kind of clever. I glanced at Herc who looked mildly horrified.   
  
Before anything could get even more awkward (yet), I ushered everyone out the door. Alex didn’t live all that far away, but we had elected to drive there to save some time. So into Herc’s car we went. I called shotgun and took the passenger seat. Maria was behind me and Eliza was in the middle seat, leaving Lee tucked into the corner behind Herc. It was a relatively uneventful ride, except for every time Lee attempted to crack a joke. 

 

When we pulled up at Alex’s house there were a number of people already there. (Yup!)   
  
Practically everyone in our year had been invited and I knew that Alex had extended an invitation to other grades too. The music was kind of loud, so I was a bit surprised when Alex actually answered Herc’s knock on the door.    
  
“Hey!” he greeted, enthusiastically gesturing is all inside, “Glad you could make it!”   
  
Alex was dressed in a bright red collared polo shirt and white skinny jeans. He also had a red SnapBack cap on his head and yellow/orange shoes.    
  
“So, Huey,” I said, “where are your brothers?”   
  
Alex laughed, “Hey, I’m impressed that you know which one I am.”   
  
He turned around to reveal that there was a little white feathery tail pinned to the seat of his pants.    
  
“DuckTales!” he sang, “Woo ooo!”   
  
I laughed when he did that.   
  
“So John Lennon,” and Alex turned to Eliza, “and Yoko Ono?”   
  
“Nice one,” Eliza smiled, “this one,” she shot a pointed look at Herc, “thought we were the girl from the Ring and “Fancy Jesus.””

 

Alex chuckled and shook his head, “Classic Herc.”   
  
“Yo, newcomers!”    
  
It was McHenry, another member of the soccer team, whose blue t-shirt and white pants showed that he was the Dewey to Alex’s Huey, was coming over with some red solo cups in his hands. Aaron was close behind in Louie’s green with more cups.    
  
“Beer?” McHenry offered.    
  
“Sure,” I accepted.   
  
Eliza and Herc declined, they both preferred fruity, sweet drinks, but Maria and Alex both partook as well.    
  
“You don’t drink,” Eliza said to me, raising an eyebrow.    
  
“Sure I do,” I disagreed, taking a huge gulp of beer. I nearly spit it back out again. My voice was a little choked when I spoke again, “Delicious.”   
  
“How’d you even manage all this, man?” Herc asked, “I can’t see your mom agreeing to a party, let alone a party with beer.”   
  


“My aunt is having another mid life crisis, so my mom drove to Columbia to help her put her life together again,” Alex sighed, “so with Jamie at college I get the house to myself.”   
  
“Which means we get to party it up!” McHenry said, raising his own cup in the air and letting out a whoop, which was then echoed by the other guesting cheering. McHenry grinned.    
  


“So come and join the fun,” Alex smiled as they all filed in.   
  
And what a smile; wide and bright, a little crooked. I only had one mission at this party, I needed to figure out if Alex could possibly be the same guy I had been emailing with for the past days. Could he be Ender? I looked around the bustling house and found myself thinking. Then again it could be any guy at Yorktown high, which was equal parts thrilling a terrifying.   
  


I wouldn’t let that stop me from enjoying myself, though, and I soon I had finished my first beer before moving on to the next. Alex had pinned a white sheet to the wall and there were a bunch of others singing karaoke. I immediately decided I wanted in on this. The alcohol probably helped with that, but I likely would have done it anyway. Just maybe not with as much gusto. For my first number I managed to get Eliza to sing with me, albeit somewhat reluctantly. Maria joined me for another song, rather less reluctantly. And finally, when things were getting really good, even Alex jumped up with me. It was the worst rendition of Benny and Jets I’d ever heard, but it was amazing.

 

After that, I kind of lost track of things a bit, had another drink, danced to some loud pop rock that was playing from someone’s speakers. I eventually made my way outside to where there were fewer people and nearly walked into Maria.

 

“Woah there,” she chuckled, steadying me.   
  
“Whoops,” I replied with a grin.    
  
“You’re drunk,” Maria snorted.   
  
“No I’m not,” I replied.   
  
“You probably will be soon, then,” she said, nodding towards a table where there was a game of beer pong set up. McHenry was gesturing at John.    
  
“Come on, Laurens,” he called, “you and me. Let’s go!”   
  
Maria’s laughter at that was cut off when I pulled her along with me.    
  
“If I’m playing, you are too,” I said.    
  
“Dude, we need a fourth,” McHenry said.    
  
“Well,” Maria started, “Herc could prob—“   
  
“Lee!” I yelled, spotting him over by the wall, “Get your ass over here!”   
  
“What the hell are you doing?” Maria questioned.    
  
“Trust me,” I scoffed, “it’ll be fine.”   
  


Maria gave me a look and I chose to ignore it as Lee bounded over.   
  
“It’s me and Jay,” I stood next to McHenry, “and Lee and Maria.”   
  
“Alright, how do we play?” Lee asked.   
  
“You really don’t know?” Maria questioned, “Never mind. It’s simple, just bounce the ball into one of their cups.”   
  
“And if you get one we drink,” McHenry added.   
  
“We’ll go first,” I put in.    
  
I grabbed the ping pong ball, aimed, and bounced it right into the front cup. McHenry held up his hand for a high five and I gave him one.    
  
“So now what?” Lee asked.    
  
“Drink,” Maria told him.    
  
“Okay...” Lee seemed hesitant as he reached for the red solo cup. The game continued from there.   
  
I was glad to have McHenry on team, because he had great aim. However Maria soon proved to be a force to reckon with, and soon the world began to spin. McHenry and I ended up with the victory and shared an excited hug, patting each other heartily on the back. After that, I felt the need to find a bathroom, but the one downstairs was occupied. I stumbled up the stairs, in an attempt to find another.

 

The music from downstairs wasn’t quite so loud up here and I could actually hear myself think. Not that I was thinking too coherently, which is probably why I opened the door when I heard noise coming from that room. It wasn’t the bathroom but a bedroom and it was occupied.

 

It was Alex, and some sexy Minion that looked like Kitty Livingston. It took a moment for my brain to catch up with what I was seeing. Not that they were doing anything, they’d been kissing when I entered but had quickly stopped.    
  
“Oh,” I said, all my visions of Alex being my email friend evaporating, “Um. Sorry.”   
  
I backed out of the room and closed the door behind me, the need to go to the bathroom disappearing. Honestly, I just wanted to go home. I was drunk, dizzy, and still a little confused by the scene in the bedroom. The party began to wind down and eventually I was on my way home draped over Eliza.

 

Herc didn’t drink at the party, so he’d driven us to his house but Eliza decided that we could walk to my house from there.    
  
“Can you at least try and walk in a straight line?” Eliza sighed.   
  
“I am walking in a straight line,” I insisted as I tripped over Eliza’s feet again.

 

“God how much did you drink?” Eliza huffed.

 

“I don’t remember,” I told her honestly, “but I’m not feeling as much as I was about twenty minutes ago, so that’s an improvement.”   
  
“So most of this stumbling is just your normal level of clumsy,” snorted Eliza.

 

As we got closer to my house it became clear my parents were still awake.   
  
“Aw fuck,” I muttered.

 

“Wasn’t expecting that,” Eliza muttered, “Okay, here’s the plan. Get inside and upstairs as quickly and quietly as possible. Think you can do that?”   
  
I gave her a sloppy salute, “Yes, ma’am.”

 

“Alright let's do this,” Eliza opened the door and started dashing up the stairs dragging me with her.   
  
“Hey guys, how was the party?” my mother called.

 

“Shit,” Eliza whispered under her breath, then raised her voice to be audible, “Hey there Mrs. Laurens, Mr. Laurens.”   
  
My parents were sitting on the couch, a picture of domestic bliss watching television with bathrobes on over their pajamas.

 

“Did you have fun?” My mother asked.   
  
“Yup!” I tried to stand on my own, and that didn’t work out so well. To cover it up, I faked a huge yawn, “Oh man, I’m beat. I think we’re gonna go to sleep.”

 

Eliza nodded in agreement, “Yeah it’s really late.”

 

I was already halfway up the stairs when I heard Eliza thank my parents for letting her stay over.

 

“You’ve been staying over for ten years sweetie you don’t need to thank us,” I heard my mother say as I slumped at the top of the stairs, soon joined by Sonny in my lap. 

 

When she got up to me, Eliza rolled her eyes fondly.    
  
“Not quite there yet, Johnny boy,” she said.

 

She hoisted me to my feet and eventually deposited me on my bed.   
  
“I’m gonna shower,” Eliza informed me.

 

“Mmhm,” I hummed, patting at my pocket to find my phone.    
  
I began to continuously reload my gmail, hoping for something from Ender. There was nothing from the last time I checked, and I was a little dismayed at that. Of course, nothing said that I couldn’t email him anyway. I couldn’t tell you what I wrote, it was rambling and full of metaphors that I wasn’t sure really made sense in the light of day. I was so caught up in writing the email I hardly noticed Eliza re-entering my room.   
  
“Whatcha doing?” she asked flopping down on my bed, she was wearing a pair of borrowed pajamas.

 

“Nothing important,” I hedged, tapping send and closing out of the app.

 

“John need I remind you we’ve been friends since kindergarten? You can’t hide anything from me,” Eliza pouted, “it’s just not fair.”

 

I considered telling her the truth. The truth about me, anyway. Eliza was one of my closest friends, it should have been easy to just say the words. But I didn’t.    
  


“Just some stupid game I muttered,” putting the phone down.   
  
I wasn’t sure if Eliza actually believed me, but she dropped the subject.    
  


“Feeling a little more human?” she asked.   
  


“I little,” I replied, after all the world wasn’t spinning that much anymore.

 

“Good,” Eliza sighed, flopping down onto the air mattress we always set out when she slept over and pulling the blankets up to her chin.    
  
Not long after that her breathing slowed and I could tell she was asleep. I returned to my gmail refreshing until I too fell asleep with my phone still in my hand.    
  
  


  
  



	4. Interlude: Emails

From:  oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

To:  igiveumyworld@gmail.com

Subject: Happy Holidays-ish

 

Dear Jacques,   
  
It’s weird that it feels like holidays just around the corner. My brother is already making his plans to come back for winter break. Now brace yourself because I’m going to reveal some personal information. My parents are divorced. I know, not so shocking nowadays, but a personal detail nonetheless. And as you gleaned from the above I have an older brother in college. Before you ask, I seriously doubt you know him. Anyway my dad started up a group email with me and my brother to work on our annual, awkward as hell holiday get together.

 

I love my dad and he really does try, but it’s always awkward. Especially since we’re going to be meeting dad’s new girlfriend this year. I also know that’s irking my mom quite a bit, but she won’t say anything. In any case, we’re going to be going to some random place in the middle of nowhere with spotty WiFi. Fun.    
  
Your friend,   
Ender

 

* * *

 

From:  igiveumyworld@gmail.com

To:  oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Happy Holidays-ish

 

Dear Ender,   
  
That was the most exciting reveal of personal information ever. Spotty WiFi? The horror! We’d better get as many emails in as we can before you get hit with the biggest first world problem to ever exist.    
  
Since you opened up the subject of siblings, I also have one in college. A sister. She’ll be coming home to participate in our family tradition of watching The Bachelor—no, really, it’s practically a requirement in my family—and reciting almost the entirety of How the Grinch Stole Christmas. The animated one, not that abomination with Jim Carrey. Have I mentioned my family is weird? Because we are.   
  
And no it’s certainly not weird thinking about the holidays now. It’s not even Thanksgiving and I know for a fact my mom is already planning Christmas dinner, and shopping for gifts. What about you? Any particular family traditions? And I hope this isn’t rude to ask, but do you have different traditions with you mom than with your dad?   
  
Eagerly awaiting to hear about some holiday spirit,   
  
Jacques    


* * *

  
  
From:  oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

To:  igiveumyworld@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Re: Happy Holidays-ish   
  


Dear Jacques,   
  
Actually, I’m Jewish on my mom’s side, which makes me technically Jewish according to Jewish law. My dad isn’t, though, so I kind of grew up with a mishmash. So when I’m with my mom, even though Chanukah isn’t really a big deal she likes to go all out. And my dad? Well, he tries and that’s really all I could ask for. Although, frozen latkes and store-bought donuts aren’t exactly the most traditional. I think part of him really misses celebrating those holidays with us. We don’t have any family TV shows, although my dad likes watching It’s A Wonderful Life with us. I prefer the Rugrats Chanukah, personally. It’s awesome, just in case you haven’t seen it. You should watch it.    
  
Ender

* * *

 

  
From:  igiveumyworld@gmail.com

To:  oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Happy Holidays-ish   
  
Dear Ender,   
  
I didn’t know you were Jewish. I mean, of course I didn’t because I don’t really know anything about you. Anyway. I loved Rugrats as a kid! So I’ve probably seen that at some point, but I don’t remember. Tell you what, if I watch Rugrats Chanukah and you watch the animated Grinch movie then we can compare notes. Bet you never thought I’d give you homework.

 

Jacques   


* * *

 

From:  oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

To:  igiveumyworld@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Happy Holidays-ish

  
Dear Jacques,   
  
Homework? On top of everything else I have to do? I’d love to. And that wasn’t sarcasm, I genuinely mean that. You’re probably going to think I’m a dork now. Not that it really matters to me, a lot of people tend to think I'm a dork in some way or another. I guess it would just be kind of nice to meet someone who didn’t really care. Anyway, I accept your challenge, and will present my case after break is over. Be warned, I’ve been told that I tend to get a bit effusive when I write, which you’ve probably figured out already. Just heed that as a warning.

 

Ender

 

* * *

 

From:  oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

To:  igiveumyworld@gmail.com

Subject: the decider

 

Dear Jacques,   
  
I’ve made a decision. At least, I think I have. So I guess it’s more accurate to say that I’m attempting to make a decision. I want to come out to my dad and brother, I mean how else to spice up an already awkward family bonding moment? I guess that I’m just nervous. I’m not sure if it’s the right decision, which isn’t a normal state of being for me. I’m usually quite sure of myself. Not to sound cocky or anything. But this uncertainty... That's new, and I don't like it. Sorry for treating you like an Ask Abby column, I’d just like to have your input.    
  
Signed,   
Stressed in South Carolina   
  


* * *

 

From:  igiveumyworld@gmail.com

To:  oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

Subject: Re: the decider   
  
Dear Stressed,   
  
I’m not sure if I’m the best person to go to for this sort of advice, I haven’t even thought about coming out. And my parents are probably the most liberal southerners in the entire country. And that makes me feel like I should be coming out to my family too. I know that’s ridiculous, coming out doesn’t have a time limit. Hold on, how did this become all about me? Whoops, sorry. Anyway if you’re ready to do it, I say go for it.   
  
On the subject, it’s so ridiculous, this whole thing about coming out. Isn’t it? Why is straight the default? Why should we have to subject ourselves to the possibility of being thrown out in our asses just for being who we are? Why should we be called ‘brave’ just for the sole reason of telling a simple fact?   
  
It’s just so goddamn ridiculous. Alright, I’ll get off my soapbox for the time being. What I said before still holds true. If you’re ready, I think you should go for it. If you’re not ready, then don’t. I’ll support you either way.    
  
Jacques   
  



	5. Chapter 2

With winter break coming up fast, it seemed like all the teachers had gone into overdrive to get ready for midterm exams. Unfortunately. That was just one more thing to add to my life that grew more and more stressful by the day. Not only was rehearsal absolutely kicking my butt, but Lee kept giving me these looks, like I could do anything about how Maria felt.

It was very clear Maria was not interested, and it certainly didn’t help that it seemed like Herc was interested in her too. So I made up some story about Maria having a boyfriend in college named James. And of course that meant that every time Herc talked to me about it I had to remember the details of the story I made up. It’s hard enough keeping track of my own life let alone the made up version of someone else’s. Part of me wanted to tell him the truth, and get him to just ask Maria, but then I remembered what Lee would do. I didn’t want that so I kept up the charade. Lately the only place it seemed I could relax was at home. But sadly I couldn’t spend all of my time at home and I was currently slogging my way through rehearsal. The sound of Mrs. Washington “talking with purpose” as she called it snapped me back to reality.   
  
“Well that was... something...” Mrs. Washington sighed.

“A disaster,” Kitty said primly.    
  
Kitty’s definitely an...interesting person. She’s your stereotypical theater kid, to an extreme. And her german accent she’s adopting for the show is mildly terrifying. She also priced herself on knowing all of the lines and choreography and then telling everybody what they were doing wrong. It was more than a little annoying, however I think the one who disliked it the most was Mrs. Washington. But Kitty is also one of the more talented people at our school, so I guess Mrs. Washington won’t be able to get rid of her until after we graduated next year.    
  
I turned to see Francis Kinloch standing off to the side with his arms folded across his chest. He was one of the others who disliked Kitty, if only because she continually hijacked his duties as stage manager. Francis and I shared a look and he quirked a small smile at me. My heart fluttered a little, I hadn’t considered it before but what if he was Ender?

I thought back to a conversation a group of us had had the other day about our winter break plans. Kitty had been going on about some family trip to the Bahamas. 

“As we do every year,” she’d said, not even realizing how stuck up she sounded, “Anybody else?”   
  
“No traveling for me,” I’d said, “but I will be partaking in the Laurens tradition of having French toast on Christmas morning.”   
  
“Lucky,” Francis had sighed, “I’m going to be in a cabin in the middle of nowhere.”   
  
It hasn’t really struck me then, but now I was remembering one of the emails from Ender where he mentioned going with his dad to a fishing cabin, joking that a picture of it could be found in the dictionary under “middle of nowhere.” It could be possible I suppose, and it killed me not to know. I wouldn’t mind if it was Francis, he’s pretty cute actually. I mean his eyes are almost impossibly blue, I could fall into them. And he’s got thick dark hair that does this funny little curl thing. He would almost be too handsome to be true if it weren’t for the way his ears stick out. Adorable for sure.    
  
Francis gestured towards Kitty, who was now going over everything that went wrong, with his head and then rolled his eyes. That tiny smile was still on his lips. I could feel my face getting warm as I let loose a dramatic eye roll. There was no chance Kitty would notice any of this in the middle of her tirade.

Francis snickered, clearing his throat to cover it up. 

“Yes, Mr. Kinloch?” Mrs. Washington called, mistaken his cough as a way to get her attention.    
  
“Ah, as much as I know we all appreciate Kitty’s...feedback,” Francis said, “we do need to move on if we’re going to run all the musical numbers today.”   
  
With reluctance, I returned to rehearsal and let Francis resume his stage managerial duties, although I did continue to sneaks looks at him from the corner of my eye. Honestly, it was a miracle that nobody noticed.

That night I went straight home, I had prior family commitments and therefore could not be late. My sister Martha is off at college and she always Skypes us every other week at exactly the same time. Now the reason Marti does this? Family movie night. That cannot be missed for anything in the Laurens household. We usually take turns choosing a movie and it was my dad’s turn to choose, which of course meant everyone arguing with him and trying to change his mind.

My dad is a huge fan of the traditional rom com. I think we’ve seen When Harry Met Sally about a million times. My mom on the other hand wants to broaden our cinematic horizons. On her nights were always watching black and white films or older movies. Marti was a big fan of Indie films of varying degrees of strangeness. Jemmy isn’t ashamed to say that he’s a huge fan of animated movies. His recent obsession with cooking means that we usually watch Ratatouille on his nights. As for me? I have pretty eclectic tastes when it comes to movies. I usually just pick the first thing that comes to my mind. I’ll admit that I have a weakness for movie musicals. I know, kinda cliche but they rock.

The argument was already in full swing when I got home from rehearsal, my parents and brother sitting on the couch with a laptop on the coffee table in front of them.

“But that movie is so trite!” Marti complained.

“It’s a classic!” my dad countered folding his arms across his chest.

“Dad, Miss Congeniality is not a classic,” Jemmy replied.

“Sandra Bullock is a national treasure,” I put in, dropping my backpack by the kitchen table, “Not to mention Michael Caine and William Shatner. What’s not to like?”

“Ha!” my dad crowed triumphantly, “Jack agrees with me.”   
  
Jemmy sighed, “Et tu, John?”   
  
“Come where I can see you so I can give you the stink eye,” Marti’s voice said from the computer speakers.    
  
I learned towards the camera into Marti’s line of sight. She was very proudly sporting a Tar Heels hoodie which I knew my dad took great offense to.   
  
“Take note,” Marti said, pointing to her own face before giving me a glare.    
  
“Noted,” I said, trying to be be serious and failing miserably. 

“Dork...” Marti shook her head, “so anyway what are we gonna watch?”

“There’s always The Bachelor,” my mom suggested, coming in with our typical movie night food of home-made nachos.    
  
“It’s shaping up to be a good season,” Jemmy agreed.    
  
“Oh, come on,” my dad laughed, “as if he’s going to really go with any of those women.”   
  
“What!” Jemmy and Matti protested in unison.    
  
“You’re crazy,” Matti added.    
  
“He’s definitely gay,” scoffed my dad, “the definition of fruity. He’s got more chemistry with Chris Harrison than any of those girls!”   
  
I didn’t really hear what else was being said, my brain felt suddenly filled with fuzz. 

“Henry...” I could vaguely hear my mother speak in a scolding tone as my throat tightened.

Despite her scolding, I could hear the amusement in my mother’s tone as well. I know that my parents are liberal, much more liberal than many of my classmates’ parents. My mom is always going to various rallies, toting signs that she paints herself proclaiming her stances. As for my dad? He’s not exactly the most macho of men, he’ll cry at the drop of a hat without a shred of embarrassment. But seeing as I’d yet to come out to either of them yet I did worry how they’d react. It’s one thing to be supportive of certain ideals or lifestyles. It’s another thing entirely when it’s your own children involved. Tonight really shook me in ways his jokes hadn’t in the past.

Once we’d finished movie night and said goodbye to Matti, I was going to head up to my room to email Ender when my dad stopped me.    
  
“Hey, Jack,” he said, “c’mere, I need your opinion on something.”

Puzzled I followed my dad to his study.

“What’s up?” I asked, sliding my hands into my pockets.

I watched my dad take a seat at the computer, “Your mother had the brilliant idea that this year for our anniversary we should give each other gifts from the heart,” he began to explain.

“You know, the thirtieth wedding anniversary is the Pearl Anniversary,” I said. 

“Permit your father to be a sentimental fool,” my dad replied, “Check this out.”

I watched as he opened a file on his desktop and opened a powerpoint. In my mind there was nothing romantic about a powerpoint. And then he started the slideshow. Now, don’t get me wrong I’m pretty impressed that he was able to put it together on his own, with music and transitions and everything, but the thing as a whole was pretty cringe worthy.

“What do you think?” My dad asked when it was over.

He looked so earnest, so proud of himself. 

“I love you, dad,” I said, “so I’m gonna be honest.”   
  
“Please!” my dad replied.

I inhaled deeply, “I know fourth graders who can do better than this.”

My dad placed a hand over his heart, “Ouch, Jack.”

“It’s true,” I sighed, “but we can fix this.”

“I thought it was okay,” my dad grumbled, standing up to let me get to the computer. 

“It’s fine,” I told him, taking a seat, “but it could be better.”

“First let’s start with the music-“ I went in search of music files.

—————

  
A couple days later, back at the normal school day grind, I had a little bit of a scare. And I don’t just mean Vice Principal Jefferson continuing his attempts to “fit in” with the student body, although it’s always scary to see how quickly certain fashions become passé at school once Jefferson wears it. Today it was an ombre hipster style scarf, and I happened to notice Gil unwind his from his own neck when walked past. Gil is the publicly out gay guy at our school. Publicly as in everybody knows who he is and has known that he’s gay since his family first moved here from France. Now you might be thinking, why don’t I go and talk to him about all this? I honestly don’t really know. Anyway it was a relatively uneventful day up until rehearsals.   
  
After Mrs. Washington commented that our set looked like a real German sex club, and not to ask why she knew that. I thought it could not possibly get weirder. But of course, with my life being what it is right now, it had to get weirder. Francis wasn’t around and Maria was secluding herself with her script, so I was just kind of looking around aimlessly during the short break Mrs. Washington has given us. Then I spotted Lee, front row, center reading. Curiosity piqued, I glanced at the cover and immediately thought I was going to be sick.  It was a pretty simple cover with a planet and a ship shooting lasers. That wasn’t what drew my attention, though.  _ Ender’s Game _ . Lee was reading a very worn and well loved copy of  _ Ender’s Game _ . There was no way that Charles Lee was Ender...was he?

I thought back, comparing what I knew about the two. They both had older brothers and I wasn’t sure what Lee’s plans were for winter break, but I’m pretty sure that his parents are divorced. I frantically reached for my phone and started scrolling through the messages with Ender looking for a sign. Would Lee be crazy enough to blackmail me with his own emails? I never really spent time with Lee outside of rehearsals, so I couldn’t say if any of the emails sounded like the kind of thing Lee would write. I then glanced at the timestamps for the emails and relief washed over me. A lot of them had been sent during rehearsal. Lee was on stage way too much to have time to send emails during rehearsal.

“Thank god,” I muttered, I still wanted to know who Ender was, but I was glad it wasn’t Lee.

Speaking of Lee, he was getting up now and heading over to where I was sitting on the edge of the stage. Which likely meant one thing, he was going to bug me about Maria.

“I wonder what you want to talk to me about,” I snarked mildly when Lee approached. 

He looked utterly confused, “About Maria?”   
  
I blinked. “That was sarcas-you know what, nevermind. What do you want?” I asked.

“Just an update,” Lee said, “homecoming is soon, you know? With the big game and...everything.”

“I know,” I replied, “Look, things like this can’t be rushed.”   
  
“Who’s rushing?” Lee shot back, obviously getting frustrated.

I just wanted him off my case so the next thing I said was, “Maria and I were going to run lines at Fraunces Dinner.”

Fraunces Diner is probably be best place to eat this side of the city. I mean it’s a diner, yeah, but it’s this mom and pop kind of place where being a regular actually means something. It’s like a Waffle House, only better. 

“Yeah?” Lee said, or rather prompted. At least he had the courtesy to wait for an invite.    
  
“You should come with us,” I told him.    
  
“Yes!” cheered Lee, then cleared his throat and tried to act cool, “Sure, yeah. I can do that.”   
  
I stopped myself from rolling my eyes.    
  
“Tonight after rehearsal,” I told him, “Let’s say six thirty.”   
  
“Great,” Lee said, “I’ll be there with bells on.”   
  
Ignoring that last comment, I hopped down from the stage and headed over to the back corner of the theatre. Now all I needed to do was convince Maria to come too. That might prove to be difficult. I glanced to where Maria had her feet propped up on a chair munching on a bag of Doritos.   
  
I steeled myself and went over to her.    
  
“Hey,” I said, leaning against the chair where her feet were.    
  
“Hey,” she replied, quirking a small smile.    
  
“So,” I began casually, “Lee and I were going to go to Fraunces tonight to help him run lines and I know that you’ve been stressed about yours. Do you want to join us?”   
  
I was ready with a list of reasons as to why she should come, prepared for whatever answer she gave. Except for the one that she did.    
  
“Oh my god that would be amazing!” Maria gasped, “Seriously, I would appreciate that so much.”

“Really?” A raised my brow, a little surprised.

“Seriously,” Maria lowered her feet and leaned forward, “because Sally doesn’t stop talking for like the entire show.”

I laughed, “Okay, fair enough. So tonight. Want me to pick you up?”

“Don’t I always?” Maria asked with a grin and a wink.    
  
Before I could reply, Mrs. Washington called us back to order. As we were all gathering, Lee caught my eye and sent me an over the top thumbs up. I responded in kind with much less enthusiasm. At least I was getting both of them in the same room without other friends around.    
  
  


  
  



	6. Interlude: Emails

From: igiveumyworld@gmail.com

To: oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

Subject: I’ll be a zombie in the morning

 

Ender,  
  
I am up way too late for a school night writing this to you. Correction: I am up way too late for a school night the night before I have like five quizzes I need to take, and here I am writing to you. If that's not dedication I don't know what is. Although, to be fair if the school got better reception (or reception at all) I’d probably be emailing you during class, during lunch, probably at any chance I could get. Is that being too honest? Maybe I’ll delete that bit. If you’re reading this, then you’ll know that I didn’t. However if I have to repeat junior year then it’s all your fault.   
  
Jacques

* * *

 

From: oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

To: igiveumyworld@gmail.com

Subject: Re: I’ll be a zombie in the morning

  
Dear Jacques,   
  
Ah, so I see that you decided to keep that part in. I don’t think it’s too weird, I’m in the same boat as you. So there, now we can be weird together.   
  
Don’t fail on account of me, go to sleep! Although, if you knew me then you would know how ridiculous it is for me to be giving that advice. I barely ever sleep. It’s not like I do it on purpose or anything, I just tend to live in constant state of go, go, go. Due to that my mom has been trying to decrease my caffeine intake. Little does she know, I have very easy access to coffee.   
  
Ender

* * *

 

From: igiveumyworld@gmail.com

To: oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

Subject: Life or Death

 

Dear Ender,  
  
What type of coffee are we talking? Iced? Hot? Cold Brew? I must know, if anything so I too can get easy access to coffee. And yes, this is just as important as the Oreo question.   
  
Jacques   


* * *

 

From: oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

To: igiveumyworld@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Life or Death

 

Dear Jacques,  
  
When it comes to caffeine I accept it in every form, I’m not picky. However I am rather fond of a good iced coffee. Have I passed this test or will you never forgive me?   
  
Ender   


* * *

 

From: igiveumyworld@gmail.com

To: oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Re: Life or Death

  
Dear Ender,   
  
You have passed, I think it’s safe to say my friends and I drink way too much iced coffee. So therefore if we ever meet in real life you’ll be just like one of us. Speaking of which...I’ve been really enjoying our conversations, but I’d love to actually meet in person. I’m not trying to rush you or anything, but is that maybe something you’d be willing to consider?   
  
Jacques

* * *

 

From: oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

To: igiveumyworld@gmail.com

Subject: I have to confess...

 

Dear Jacques,  
  
I’d need a little more time to think on it, but I think it does seem like a good idea. I’ve already found myself using the almighty Google to play Sherlock Holmes to find out more about you. That sounds a lot creepier than I meant it to. So here’s the thing, I don’t like not knowing stuff so the fact that I didn’t understand your email address was frustrating me. So frustrating that I ran it through my favorite search engine in order to discover that it’s a Fleetwood Mac song. You impressed? And now for my big confession. I’ve been keeping an eye out to see if I can spot anybody wearing a Fleetwood Mac shirt or anything.   
  
Ender   


* * *

 

From: igiveumyworld@gmail.com

To: oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

Subject: Re: I have to confess...

 

Dear Ender,  
  
I am impressed, sadly I don’t own any band tees like that. Vintage is seriously expensive. But to answer your question, yeah I am impressed. Especially since I have no clue what your email means. The best I can get is that you’re a big fan of fractions. Although if that’s true you left an improper fraction in your equation, but I’m sure you knew that.

 

Jacques  


* * *

 

From: oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

To: igiveumyworld@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Re: I have to confess...

  
Dear Jacques,   
  
You caught me, I’m a fraction fanatic. Just kidding. Although I’m decent at math there are things I’m better at. Anyway I think I want to let you stew a little longer over my email.   


What I have been meaning to tell you, though, is that I did it. I came out to my dad. It was...surprisingly okay. No big blow up, no flood of tears. He just seemed to go with it, which was actually really nice. My brother was a bit more demonstrative with his support. He hugged me and told me he loved me. It’s weird. We don’t usually y’all that way in my family. Now I guess next step is my mom, she's an emotional woman so who knows how this could go. To be honest I wouldn't be surprised if she threw a party and invited my whole family, even the ones who don't live in South Carolina. And I think that’s honestly more terrifying than any other reaction she could have. If you knew my mother you would understand.  
  
Ender   


* * *

 

From: igiveumyworld@gmail.com

To: oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

Subject: !!!!!!

  
Dear Ender,   
  
Wow. I am so proud of you. I hope that doesn’t sound condescending, because I truly and honestly am. You are so brave. Maybe if I’m lucky some of bravery will rub off on me. Anyway if your mom does throw that party I better be invited, sounds like you could use a friend. Not that I’m pushing you about meeting before you’re ready. I just...want to be there for you in any way that I can. Anyway I'm sure I'll be able to take a leaf out of your book soon enough, I know everyone says it feels like an immense relief. I could use that relief right about now.   
  
Jacques   


* * *

 

From: oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

To: igiveumyworld@gmail.com

Subject: Re: !!!!!!

  
Dear Jacques,   
  
Don’t push yourself if you’re not ready. But as you once told me, I’ll support you no matter what choice you choose. It'll all come in time, then we can be an awkward gay duo together. It'll be so much fun.   


Ender  


* * *

 

From: igiveumyworld@gmail.com

To: oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Re: !!!!!!

  
Dear Ender,   
  
A duo, huh? And what form would this duo if ours take? Enquiring minds want to know.   
  
Jacques

* * *

 

 

From: oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

To: igiveumyworld@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Re: Re: !!!!!!

  
Oh Jacques. Dear Jacques. I think you know what I mean. Because, you see I may not know you in person and yet I just cannot stop thinking about kissing you.   
  
Ender   


* * *

 

From: igiveumyworld@gmail.com

To: oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: !!!!!!

 

Ender,  
  
That is one hell of a proclamation, and I admit I can't stop thinking about wanting to kiss you too.   
  
Love,

Jacques  



	7. Chapter 3

I picked Maria up that night as promised and when we made it to Fraunces Diner, Lee was already there. He practically leapt out of the booth he had secured when he saw us enter and was waving furiously. As if we could miss him, the place isn’t all that big.    
  
“We’re with him,” I told the waiter who had come to seat us, mildly embarrassed.    
  
“I kind of figured,” the waiter replied with a dimpled smile.

He seemed vaguely familiar to me but I wasn’t quite sure why. We went to the booth were Lee was eagerly waiting for them and took our seats. I sat across from Lee, close to the outside edge of the booth I felt kind of bad that that forced Maria to sit next to Lee, but I rationalized it by thinking that it might be easier for them to run lines that way. Plus, if I seemed like I was making an effort, it might get Lee off my back.

“You ready to do this?” Lee was practically giddy, what was with this guy?

“Why don’t we get some pancakes first,” Maria suggested with a sigh, “I think I’ll need it.”

“Sounds good,” I nodded.   
  
“So did you guys know that Cabaret was based on a play called “I Am A Camera”?” Lee started, and I have no idea why, and he just kept going.   
  
“But that’s not all,” he went to pull out his script from the depths of his bag, “‘I Am A Camera’ was based on the Berlin Diaries of Christopher Isherwood, chronicling his time in pre-war Germany, there is even a film based on another one of his works starring Matt Smith-“   
  
“So are you guys ready to order?” Our waiter reappeared and saved us all from Lee for the time being.

“Bottomless pancakes,” Maria requested, “and keep ‘em coming.”

She then reached for the maple syrup in preparation. I just ordered coffee and a side of bacon—I knew that I’d be able to steal some pancakes from Maria—and kind of zoned out while Lee gave his order. It wasn’t until he sent me an adorable smile that o realized I’d kind of been unintentionally staring at our waiter, whose name tag said “Ned.” I blushed and looked away.    
  


I fiddled with my hands listening as Maria did one of her many monologues. She really did have a lot to say in the show. Even as I half listened, I couldn’t help but look over at Ned every so often. I wasn’t sure why he seemed so familiar to me. He looked about my age so I wondered if we perhaps went to school together? The school is actually pretty big, since it’s a public school and all, so it wouldn’t be unlikely for me to have seen him around somewhere.    
  


“Earth to John!” Maria waved at me, “Can you read Clif’s bit here?”   
  
“Yeah sure,” I muttered.   
  
I tried to focus on the task at hand, reading the lines with at least a little bit of enthusiasm. To be honest, I was a bit distracted. Ever since Ender and I had started signing off our emails with “love” we’d actually been writing each other much more often. I had turned on notifications for the gmail app and assigned it its own vibration pattern. I was highly aware of my phone in my pocket, just waiting for it to buzz.    
  


I spotted Ned grabbing his jacket and heading out in front of the diner. Our booth was right next to the window, so I could watching mildly guiltily out of the corner of my eye as Ned fiddled with his phone a bit. My heart began to flutter and I turned away, this had to be a major invasion of privacy. Right? I turned my attention back to Cabaret, or a tried to until the bell above the diner door ringed as Ned reentered and shortly after that my phone buzzed. I nearly shot out of my seat when that happened, causing some silverware casualties.

“Woah,” Maria said, “you alright there?”   
  
“Leg cramp,” I excused, “I’m going to go walk it off. Be right back.”   
  
Without waiting for a response, a headed out the front door or the diner. I paced back and forth a few times to keep up the charade, but I was really pulling out my phone and going into gmail. I had a new email from Ender. I barely registered what the email said, I was distracted. Could it be? Could Ned be Ender? I swallowed as I looked back towards him, my chest growing tight. He almost caught me staring, but I looked away just in time, turning my eyes back to my phone.    
  
“Hey.”   
  
My heart leapt into my throat. It was Ned, sticking his head out the front door of the diner.    
  
“Just wanted to let you know that your food is ready,” he said, “I just put it on the table.”   
  
“Thanks,” I replied, suddenly struck by a memory, “Hey, we had biology together last year, right?”   
  
Ned grinned. Geeze, that dimple was going to make my heart explode.    
  
“Yeah, we did a couple of labs together when our partners were out,” Ned reminded me.    
  
“Yeah I remember Kitty freaking out during dissections,” I replied.   
  
Ned chuckled, “I remember that too.”   
  
“You were always good at that stuff,” I added, remembering more details, “Do you still want to be a doctor?”   
  
Ned looked pleased that I remembered that detail, “I do.”   
  
Before we could continue the conversation, Ned was called back in by his manager. After another few moments, I returned to the booth.    


“You cramp free?” Maria asked.   
  
“Huh? Oh yeah, thanks.” I slid into the booth seat.    
  
Maria and Lee went through a few more scenes and we all went through a few more plates of pancakes. And of course after some time working, the two of them began to tire a bit and the subject of conversation turned from lines to other things. Maria was sipping her Coke when Lee decided to be himself.    
  
“So why’d you move here before senior year?” he asked.    
  
Maria froze for a brief moment, but quickly recovered. Eliza, Herc, and I had discovered that this was a bit of a sore subject for Maria.    
  
Her face turned red, “It’s just the sort of thing that happens when your mom finds earrings that don’t belong to her in your dad’s suit jacket.”   
  
Lee let out a low whistle, “That sucks.”   
  
“Yeah,” Maria replied tightly.

“You know maybe-“ I tried to spare us all from further embarrassment but Lee had other plans.

“It must have been horrible to find out about that,” Lee added tactlessly, “Are you close to your dad?”

Maria shifted uncomfortably, “I mean I was, he was kinda my everything, my superhero. And then to find out...”

“It sucks,” Lee repeated.    
  
Maria smiled wryly, “That’s an understatement.”

The three of us sat in silence for a moment, I picked at the basket of fries that was on the table. It was horrifically awkward.   
  
“You deserve better than that,” Lee said finally, breaking the awkward silence.    
  
“What?” Maria asked.    
  
“You deserve better,” Lee repeated, “you deserve someone who will be your superhero and not let you down. I know that kids our age who come from...I dunno, broken homes or whatever you want to call them, think that because our parent or sibling or whatever was treated in a certain way, it means that’s all we deserve. But you deserve better.”   
  
Maria furrowed her brow.   
  
“You, Maria Lewis, deserve a goddamn superhero,” Lee went on, “Say it.”   
  
“Say what?” Maria asked, confused.    
  
“Say, ‘I’m Maria Lewis and I deserve a goddamn superhero’,” Lee instructed.    


“Now?” Maria’s face was red.   
  
“No time like the present!” Lee told her cheerfully.   
  
He began climbing to his feet on top of the booth bench seat, coaxing Maria up with him. I watched, mildly fascinated, wondering what she would end up doing and feeling a little guilty about enjoying the show.    


Maria looked at me but didn’t get a chance to say anything before Lee started to speak again.   
  
“Ladies and Gents, this here is my friend Maria Lewis and she has something to say to all of you,” Lee spoke loudly.   
  
“Oh god,” Maria muttered under her breath.    
  
“Come on!” Lee nudged.   
  
“I deserve a goddamn superhero,” Maria said in her normal speaking voice.    
  
“You can do better than that!” Lee told her, “You are Maria Lewis—“   
  
“I am Maria Lewis,” Maria repeated, her voice louder now, “and I deserve a goddamn superhero.”   
  
“Louder!” Lee encouraged.    
  
“I am Maria Lewis!” she proclaimed, “And I deserve a goddamn superhero!”   
  
It was one of those moments where if it was a movie everyone in Fraunces probably would have clapped and cheered. But this was real life, so they all were silent.   
  
“Thanks everyone,” Lee said with a wave, “enjoy your pancakes.”   
  
When the two of them sat down, Maria was full on grinning.    
  
“That actually felt really great,” she said.    
  
“Yeah?” I found myself asking her.   
  
“Shouting can be very cathartic,” Lee said knowingly.    
  
Maria giggled.   
  
The rest of the evening passed without incident, we all paid for our food and left. Unfortunately by that time it had appeared that Ned's shift had ended so he was nowhere to be seen. After saying a quick goodbye to Lee, Maria and I headed back to my car. It was a little chilly outside and I put the heat up a little as soon as we got into the car.   


"Well tonight proved helpful," Maria spoke clicking her seat belt.

“I’m glad,” I replied, pulling out of the parking lot and heading in the direction of Maria’s apartment, “I’m sorry if Lee made it weird, asking about your dad like that.”

Maria shrugged, "I guess I was bound to talk about it at some point."

“I guess,” I said, thinking about the things that I didn’t talk about. Was I bound to talk about it at some point? Is that how secrets work? One day you just decide that you don’t want it to be a secret anymore?   
  
Then we pulled up in front of Maria's apartment and I put the car in park. "Maria...." I hesitated for a second.   
  
Her entire attention was on me, I could feel it even as I gazed resolutely at my own hands on the steering wheel. I was grateful that she was being patient with me.    
  
I swallowed, "I'm gay."   
  
Okay so maybe the burden did decrease a little when those words left my mouth and I looked towards Maria.   
  
"Okay."

Her face was pretty blank, I couldn’t really read her emotions.    
  
“Okay,” I repeated, “Are you surprised?”   
  
“Do you want me to be?”   
  
“Yes,” I said, then, “No. I don’t know.”   
  
Maria quirked a small smile at that.    
  
"So what do you think?" I found myself asking.   
  
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Maria admitted, “Am I the first person you’ve told?”   
  
I nodded.    
  
“Well then I’m honored,” she added, “and of course I support you. You’re one of my best friends.”   
  
I smiled, "Cool, cool..."   
  
Maria’s not super touchy-feely, so it surprised me when she unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned across to pull me into a kind of awkward hug.

When she let go she was grinning, "So I have a gay best friend now."   
  
I rolled my eyes, "Seriously?"

“We can go shopping and talk about boys,” she continued.    
  
“Oh my god, shut up,” I laughed.    


"And drink iced coffee, oh wait we already do that," Maria giggled.

It was a good feeling, and I briefly thought about Herc and Eliza and why I hadn't told them. I then felt a little guilty. I vowed to myself that I would tell them. Soon.    
  


—————

 

Homecoming came all too soon, and of course I was at the game with my friends. Herc and Eliza had gone to snag some seats, while Maria and I were in search of hot cocoa.

Some of the players were out on the field, warming up and tossing a ball around.    
  
“They may our rival school,” Maria said, “but damn can those boys wear the hell out of some compression shorts.”   


“Mhmm,” I replied not really looking.

“Oh hey,” Maria gripped my arm excitedly, “we can totally talk about these things now! Come on, look out there.”   
  
I glanced towards the field, “Yup, those are some great butts, alright.”   
  
“No no,” scolded Maria, “try it like this: damn they are fine!”   
  
She drew out both words into multiple syllables. I tried to recreate what she was doing and failed miserably.

“You suck at this,” Maria folded her arms across her chest.

I shrugged helplessly, “I just don’t think I can pull that off.”   
  
“Excuses, excuses,” Maria said breezily, “Hey, if there was...somebody...you’d tell me?”   
  
“Of course,” I agreed.    
  
“And is there? Somebody?”   
  
My silence must have been very telling because Maria squealed and clapped her hands.    
  
“There is! Who is it? Come on!”   
  
We were nearing the booth selling drinks and I couldn’t help by glance over to where Ned was standing next to it. Maria, of course, caught that quick glance as well as the blush that, based on the heat in my skin, was reaching my ears.

“Oh my god!” She grabbed my hand, “Really?!”

“Maybe,” I replied.    
  
“Is he...?” Maria raised her eyebrows questioningly.   
  
“I don’t know,” I told her, “Maybe? I don’t..I don’t know.”   
  
Ned spotted us and raised a hand in greeting and started walking towards us.    
  
“He’s coming over,” Maria said in a hushed tone, patting my arm, “I’ll go get the drinks, you talk to him.”

I wanted to yell after Maria not to leave me but it was too late, she was gone.   
  
“Hey,” Ned said, stopping in front of me. He tucked his hands into the pockets of his jeans.    
  
“Hey,” I replied, my own hands fidgeting nervously.   


“You ready for the big game?” Ned was grinning, but he seemed nervous.   
  
“Oh yeah,” I said, “go team. I mean, sports aren’t really my thing, but I have some friends who are on a few teams, so.”   
  
“Yeah I know what you mean,” agreed Ned, “not really my thing either. But, um, I was hoping to see you here. I wanted to ask you something.”   
  
My heart was in my throat. Was this it? Was this really going to happen?   


“Yeah?” I raised my brow trying to play it cool, it would do me no good to be over excited.   


“You know Maria pretty well, right?” Ned asked.    
  
It took me a second to register what he had just said.    
  
“Excuse me?”   
  
“I mean, you guys are friends,” Ned continued, “Do you know if she’s single?”   


It was an odd mix of feelings just then, half annoyance and half confusion. This is not what I expected.   
  
Instead of answering, I just turned and left to make my way to the stands, ignoring Ned calling after me once. As I was walking, I was accosted by the school mascot.    
  
“Who’s searching for a bear!” The mascot exclaimed, grabbing my shoulders from behind.    
  
“What the—“    
  
I ducked out of the mascot’s grasp.    
  
“Dude, it’s just me!” The mascot lifted off its head to reveal Lee, grinning.    
  
“Of course,” I grumbled.    
  
“I wanted to run something by you,” Lee said, “I want to do some kind of gesture for Maria. We’ve been hanging out more and getting along so well—“   
  
“Yeah, go for it,” I interrupted, completely not in the mood.    
  
“I just wanted to make sure,” Lee tried again.    
  
“Sounds great,” I rushed to say, “Go big or go home, ya know?”   
  
I didn’t give him time to speak and simply continued on my way. When I got to the seats, Maria had somehow beaten me there.    
  
“Where’d you go?” she asked.    
  
“I had to get away from there,” I responded in an undertone.   
  
Maria obviously got my meaning and winced.    
  
“Sorry,” she whispered back, knocking my shoulder with hers.   
  
I just shrugged, “Let’s just go find Herc and Eliza.”   
  
Maria was carrying all four hot chocolates in a little carrier, so she was able to hook her other arm through mine. It was comforting. We found the others by spotting Eliza’s light blue hat.

“The hot chocolate has arrived!” Maria announced, handing two of the cups to Eliza and Herc.    
  
“Thanks,” Herc said, grinning at Maria.

Eliza took hers, just basking in the warmth it provided her hands.   
  
“Happy?” I asked.

Eliza nodded.    
  
“Did you guys have fun at dinner?” Maria asked.    
  
Part of my whole deal with Lee meant that I had to keep Herc, who had a pretty obvious crush on Maria, away from her. So I’d pushed him lightly in Eliza’s direction. He’d Bren remarkably receptive and had asked Eliza out to dinner before the game tonight.    
  
“We went to that noodle place,” Herc replied.    
  
Maria frowned, “The one I told you about? I thought we were all going to go there.”

I noticed Herc turn red, and I began to feel guilty. Before that feeling could grow in my chest, the pre-game started. The two cheerleading teams performed as well as our marching band. Finally Kitty came onto the field to sing the national anthem. She took her place at the microphone while we all rose in the bleachers and she began to sing. She didn’t get very far before she was interrupted Lee in the mascot costume.    
  
From a few rows in front of us, I could hear Vice Principal Jefferson hissing, “Can he do that?”   
  
“Hello,” Lee said into the mic, his voice booming through the stadium. It was a bit too loud and he moved the mic a bit further from his mouth, “Hello everyone. Sorry for interrupting, but I have something very important to say.”   
  
“Oh no,” I whispered. This could not end well.    
  
There were whispers throughout the stadium, I swallowed.   
  
“Maria Lewis,” Lee began, “ever since you arrived at our school four months ago my life has been changed for the better.”   
  
I looked at Maria who’d gone pale.

“You’re so sweet and kind,” Lee continued, “a great actress and one hell of a singer.”   
  
People were starting to look at our group, giggling and whispering amongst themselves. Maria reached for my hand gripping it tight.   
  
“And I wanted to know if you would do me the honor of being my date to homecoming,” Lee continued.

“Oh god,” Maria muttered, “oh no.”   
  
Lee, still holding the mic, made his way over to our part of the bleachers.    
  
“What do you say?” he asked.

Shaking Maria inhaled deeply and went closer to Lee. Part of me wanted to follow her, but I knew I shouldn’t, I was certain of what she was going to say.

“Charles,” she said, and it was kind of weird to actually hear Lee called by his first name, I didn’t think that anyone did that, “I really am flattered. Truly. And I’ve enjoyed spending time with you too, but...” she bit her lip, “I just don’t think of you in that way. I want us to be friends.”

Lee’s face fell and in the distance there was some fluttering. I turned to see Tommy Conway.... Releasing doves? Out by the goal post.

“Oh,” Lee said, “I mean, that’s cool. Of course that’s cool. I’m just gonna...”   
  
Without finishing his sentence, Lee turned and left. He wasn’t quite running, but it was pretty close. Maria returned to where we all stood and quietly sat down.

—————

  
Lee got hit pretty hard with the teasing after that. His face was all over the school tumblr. Gifs, captioned photos, full blown videos, memes; you name it, Lee’s face was all over it. It was brutal.

He seemed to be taking it in stride, or I thought. He seemed to be taking it in stride, or I thought. He pretty much avoided me for the last couple weeks before winter break, except when it couldn’t be avoided at rehearsal. And yeah, I felt sorry for the flack he was getting for his stunt, but part of me was also glad that this whole thing was over.    
  
Then it was winter break and I could spend my days with Jemmy and Matti, who was home from university for the break.    
  
“Come here squirt!” Matti gave me a spine crushing hug.   
  
“Matti,” I grinned into her shoulder as we hugged. Despite our age difference, we’re basically the same height, which is really great for hugging.

“What about me?” Jemmy huffed.

“Get in here,” Matti demanded, holding out one arm.    
  
Jemmy made a big show of rolling his eyes, but still very happily inserted himself into what had now become a sibling group hug.

“Come on you three,” My dad stepped into the front hall, “dinner is ready.”   
  
Matti was the first to break the hug, “Score! A home cooked meal!”

“Let me guess, your surviving on Top Ramen and coffee,” I teased.

“The breakfast, lunch and dinner if champions,” Matti proclaimed.

“Gross,” said Jemmy, wrinkling his nose.    
  
“Don’t know it ‘til you try it,” Matti told him, “You’re all about the fancy cooking now, but wait until you need to buy all your own ingredients.”

I saw Jemmy roll has eyes in response.

It was nice to have Matti home in those days leading up to Christmas Eve. Decorating the tree just wouldn’t have been the same without her. It was always a family affair, with Jemmy in charge of untangling and stringing the lights and tinsel while Matti and I decided on the placement of the ornaments. Our parents usually were in charge of the rest of the lower floor of the house, with several breaks whenever my dad decided to dangle mistletoe over my mom’s head.

In the end our house is always a festive winter wonderland. Everything sparkled and shone, even Sonny and Cher had specific holiday collars they would sport during this time. It was rather amazing. This year we even added to our usual Christmas Eve dinner traditions when Jemmy made some delicious baked apples that we simply smothered with vanilla ice cream. Everything was so lovely and nice. Then I got the call.    
  
My family usually had a no phones at the table rule, but Christmas was kind of an anything goes sort of time, so nobody batted an eye when I walked over to the living room to answer Eliza’s FaceTime call.    
  
“John, have you seen it?” Eliza began, I could tell she looked worried.   
  
“Seen what?” I asked although I was certain that this had something to do with the school tumblr. A pit formed in my stomach as I hoped and prayed.   
  
“John?” Eliza tried to get my attention as I dashed upstairs to check,  “John?”    
  
I continued to ignore her, opening up the school tumblr to look at the most recent post. It was signed anonymous, but I knew by reading it just who had written it.    
  
“Dear students of Yorktown High,” I read the post my stomach in knots, “There’s something you all should know about one of our dear classmates. Because we all know that secrets are no fun. John Laurens has a secret male pen pal because he is gay.”   
  
Here, there were several images, screenshots of my early emails with Ender, screenshots I never knew Lee had. I felt like I was going to be sick but I kept reading, it was like some horrible compulsion.    
  
“Any further interested parties, can contact him for butt sex. Ladies need not apply. Furthermore, we should be discussing this more than Charles Lee’s homecoming debacle, which was actually romantic if you think about it.”

When I finished reading, I sat back on my chair, my breath coming out in a huff.    
  
“John?”   
  
I’d forgotten that I still had a FaceTime call open with Eliza.    
  
“John, are you okay?”   
  
“I gotta go.”   
  
I ended the call and turned my phone upside down so I wouldn’t have to see the torrent of messages that was bound to be flowing in. Of course, they started showing up on my laptop screen too. FaceTime calls, texts, Facebook messages. I snapped the laptop shut.

Jemmy stood in the doorway of my room, “I reported it, they’re gonna take it down.”

“What good is that gonna do?” I retorted, “everyone’s already seen it.”   
  
I was silent for a long moment.    
  
“It’s true,” I said finally, refusing to look at my younger brother, “it’s all true.”   
  
“You could deny it?” Jemmy spoke softly.   
  
“Why would I do that?” I snapped.   
  
“I-I’m sorry,” Jemmy stuttered, looking like he might cry, “I’m just trying to help.”   
  
“Just go,” I told him, “okay?”   
  
Jemmy nodded and dashed out, I just leaned back in my chair not wanting to do anything. This was worse than what I could have imagined. My eyes were burning and I could feel the sob building in my throat. I didn’t want to deal with any of the rest of the family right now, although I was sure that Jemmy wouldn’t say anything to them so they wouldn’t have any reason to come and check on me, but still. I closed my bedroom door and flopped down on my bed before I let the tears flow.

As the night wore on the only sound I could hear was a light scratching at my door. When I cracked open the bedroom door, Cher and Sonny came bounding in. While I wasn’t really in the mood I found myself kneeling to hug Cher while Sonny tried to squeeze between us.

“Come on, buddy,” I mumbled, picking up Sonny and depositing him in my bed before getting back in myself.    
  
I felt Cher jump in and curl up at my feet while Sonny made himself at home draped across my knees. It didn’t make me feel completely better, but it certainly helped me fall asleep.

  
  



	8. Interlude: Emails

From:  igiveumyworld@gmail.com

To:  oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

Subject: You’ve probably heard...

 

Dear Ender,   
  
I’m sure by now you’ve heard everything, but please don’t freak out. Please. I didn’t realize Lee would do that. I thought...I don’t know what I thought, but it definitely wasn’t that. So I guess you know who I am now. I mean you must, because of course the whole damn school knows.  I really hope it doesn’t change the way you feel about me, now that you know.    
  
Love,

John

* * *

From:  igiveumyworld@gmail.com

To:  oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

Subject: Please

 

Dear Ender,   
  
I understand if you’re upset, I know you wanted to keep this whole thing on the down low and I’m sorry this had to happen this way. At least let me know that you got my last email. I haven’t heard from you. I just want to know we’re still good, please answer me.   
  
Love,   
John

* * *

From:  igiveumyworld@gmail.com

To:  oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

Subject: help

 

Dear Ender,   
  
I feel like I’m shouting into the void. Please let me know that you’re still there, that you’re hearing me. I could really use someone to talk to about all this. I feel so small and alone, like I’m the only one is goddamn universe. I can’t stand it. Even if you never speak to me again, just give me something, anything. It doesn’t even have to be more than a word. Just any word, that is all I ask. I won’t stop reaching out to you for as long as I can. I just wish you would reach back.    
  
If needed, I will continue to apologize till the end of time that it had to be this way. I really hope it doesn’t come to that, but just know that I will.    
  


Love,

John   



	9. Chapter 4

The next morning, I definitely wasn’t feeling the same Christmas spirit I would usually feel. I felt subdued and like the world wasn’t quite clear around me. I mean I still did everything that was expected including French toast drenched in syrup. My parents and Matti were none the wiser, but I felt Jemmy’s eyes on me every so often.

Then it came time for presents, this was usually the best part of the day. Mostly because I had an uncanny ability to pick just the right presents for everyone. But today I didn’t have that feeling if giddy excitement. In our family, we usually opening gifts in a round robin fashion, each person opens one gift at a time and we go from oldest to youngest. I had just opened a pair of noise canceling headphones from my parents and my mom was saying something about the color and whether I liked it or not when something inside me just snapped. Suddenly, I had to say something. I knew that sooner or later my parents would hear about the tumblr post. Even if it was taken down right away, someone from the administration was sure to have seen it. Getting outed to the school was bad enough, I wasn’t willing to let it happen for my family. I was going to do it on my terms. Or at least, as much on my terms as I could in the current situation.

“I’m gay,” I spoke sharply and clearly, all chattering melted away. The only sound that remained was Bing Crosby singing “White Christmas” in the background.

I kept my gaze down at my hands and the headphones. 

“I don’t...” I started, then cleared my throat and tried again, “Some stuff has been happening and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell you guys, but things changed and that doesn’t really matter. The important thing is that I’m gay a-and that’s it.”   
  
I glanced up to look at everyone’s reactions to what I just said. Jemmy had this proud little smile on his face that actually made me feel pretty good. Matti was also giving me a smile while my parents looked a little shell shocked.    
  
My mom was this first one to speak, probably a little shocked she hadn’t figured it out, being a child psychologist and all.   
  
“Sweetheart...” her voice was soft.   
  
Suddenly, I didn’t want to hear anything, whether it be a platitude or anything else.    
  
“This one’s from me,” I said, handing a wrapped box to Jemmy, “I think you’ll really like it.”   
  
Jemmy hesitantly took the gift from me.   
  
“Go on,” I urged.

Jemmy glanced towards our parents for a moment, but proceeded to unwrap the box in that careful way of his. He’d been complaining for a while about not having a hand mixer, so I’d been trawling Ebay for several weeks to find a reasonably priced one.    
  
“It’s KitchenAid,” I explained needlessly.

“I love it,” he smiled.

Our present opening was more sedate than it had been before my announcement. While I did get the feeling of a weight having been lifted off of my shoulders, I was definitely still tense.

“You know I’m still me right?” I added, I’m not sure why I said it, I just felt I needed to.

“Of course, sweetheart,” my mom said gently.    
  
My father still would not look me in the eye. It was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced.

\----------

The rest of winter break passed without much fanfare, and I without a word from Ender or my friends. It was awful. I hoped that when the school year started I might be able to break the silence. What hadn’t expected was what felt like an inquisition.

I got up as usual and drove to Eliza’s house. Instead of it just being her standing there, all three of my friends were waiting for me. Eliza looked stormy, Herc was very carefully blank, and Maria seemed like she might be apologetic.

This could not be good, what was this all about?

“Hey guys,” I spoke casually, “what’s up?”

“Maria and I talked over break,” Herc said, “figured a few things out, feelings and stuff. So we’re together now.”

He raised one of his hands slightly, which I just now noticed was holding Maria’s.    
  
I swallowed, “Congrats. That’s awesome.”

"Yeah," Herc nodded, "we are at a party and got to talking about what took so long."   
  
"You told Herc I had a boyfriend in college?" Maria interrupted.   
  
I’d kind of forgotten about that in all the recent craziness and I winced.    
  
“The thing is...”   
  
But Eliza wasn’t ready for me to speak yet.    
  
“You made me think that Herc had a crush on me,” she said, “We went on a date because of what you said to us about each other. What the hell were you thinking?”   
  
I felt really awful then, she was right it was a the wrong thing to do but they had no idea...   
  
"It was all Charles Lee, he's been blackmailing me for months," I desperately tried to explain to them.

“He was going to out me if I didn’t get Maria to go out with him.”   
  
“You could have told us,” Eliza said.   
  
Herc picked it up, “We’re not saying you needed to come out to us before you were ready, but if you’d told us that Lee was being a dick to you, we would have played along.”

I know he didn't mean it but Herc's comment just made me feel so much worse. I wished I'd been able to trust my friends, and this was the mess I was left with.   
  
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.    
  
I didn’t really have anything else to say, so I stood there. I kind of felt like I wanted to cry but all my tears had been used up.    
  
“Not cool man,” Herc added, “seriously not cool.”   
  
I just nodded in agreement.    
  
“C’mon girls, I’ll drive today,” Herc added.    
  
He still had Maria by the hand, so the two of them left right away, but Eliza lingered for a moment.    
  
“Eliza...” I tried.    
  
“You came out to Maria a week ago,” she said, “We’ve been friends since we could talk. You’ve known her for a few months. Why didn’t you feel you could trust me with this?”   
  
I didn’t have an answer, not at that moment, and at my silence Eliza left. I just stood there for a moment, this was even worse than then when Lee had made his post. Not only had I lost Ender, but I’d lost my friends too.   
  
Driving to school by myself, while maybe not the worst thing anyone has ever had to go through, was terrible. I didn’t want to sing or even listen to the radio, so I simply drove in silence. Once I got to school, it felt like everybody was staring at me. Probably because they were. And if they weren’t staring at me I was certain they were talking about me.   
  


One of the worst moments was lunch period. It wasn’t because of the attention, because most people were focused on their own thing, I just felt completely lost. Usually I would be right in the middle of my friend group, complaining about Alex stealing my fries or trying to get Aaron to smile. I glanced over at them briefly and my chest hurt when I saw them all acting the same as usual without me there. I made my way to an empty table. (Okay I’ll change it)   
  
I made my way to an empty table. As I was walking, someone stepped in front of me. Martha Manning was the first girl I ever dated. We went to the eighth grade Winter Formal together. During one of the slow dances, when she looked at me and said she might love me, I promptly excused myself and sent a lying text to my mom saying that people were drinking then hid in the bathroom until she came to pick me up. Certainly not my proudest moment.    
  
I couldn’t help but notice the very serious expression on her face.   
  
“Did you date me because you thought I looked like a guy?” Martha asked.   
  
I blinked, dumbfounded. Hhad she really just said that? She was still looking at me.

“Actually, I broke up with you because you don’t look like a guy,” I informed her.

“Oh,” Martha said, then smiled perkily, “Okay, cool!”

Then she practically skipped away to rejoin Kitty and her other friends.    
  
I shook my head, what in the world had just happened? And why was it happening to me?

I sat at the table I found and hunched my shoulders against the world. But before I could start eating, music started blaring from the back of the cafeteria. It drew everyone’s attention. But of course, it was meant to. Now I’m not a proponent of the whole all jocks are jerks thing, case in point some of my friends are sports players, but the two guys who were playing that music were the epitome of the stereotype. George Hanover and Samuel Seabury are on the football team, extremely popular, and always the bullies. 

Sam was very clearly trying to dress like Gil, and George trying to dress like me complete with a grey hoodie. They jumped up on the table and started grinding on each other. 

“Oooo Johnny baby, right there,” Sam cooed.    
  
“Love that ass, Frenchie,” George returned.    
  
They were both grinning like loons. I glanced over at Laf and saw him rolling his eyes so hard it probably hurt. An embarrassed flush was creeping up the back of my neck. How much longer were they going to do this? It was absolutely mortifying and I wanted to die. There was the clacking of heels against the linoleum and Mrs. Washington stormed into the cafeteria, snatched the speaker and shut it off.    
  
"That's enough!" she snapped.

At that moment, I realized that I had risen to my feet and been prepared to march over there myself, but I didn’t remember doing it. Sam and George just stared at Mrs. Washington bewildered.   
  
“Office. Now,” Mrs. Washington snapped, “All four of you.”   
  
I noticed that Laf had also risen and had this aloof expression on his face.    
  
“I’m taking these speakers,” she informed them.    
  
“You can’t do that!” protested George.    
  
“I can and I just did,” Mrs. Washington retorted, “Now move it! These speakers are mine now,” she added, snatching up the device, “I’m selling it and having my tubes tied.” 

\----------  
  
Never in my life had I been more glad to see Mrs. Washington, even if the end result left me in Vice Principal Jefferson’s office.  First he was speaking to Sam and George while I sat outside with Laf. I couldn’t really hear much, just the ebb and flow of Jefferson’s voice and a few rumbling interjections from Principal Washington.    
  
“I’m sorry,” I said to Laf.    
  
He raised an eyebrow in surprise, “For what?”   
  
He certainly still sounded French, but his accent was t nearly as thick as it had been when he first moved.

“All of this,” I said with a shrug, “I mean I’m sure you had enough the first time around when you came out.”

“Honestly, it never stopped,” Laf replied, “I just do my best to not let it bother me. I’m not afraid to be myself.”

“I wish I had that confidence,” I mumbled, slumping down in my seat.

“Give it time,” Laf smiled, “and maybe wear fewer hoodies.”

At that, I couldn't help but feel guilty that until now I’d hardly ever interacted with Laf.

“Fashion isn’t exactly my strong suit,” I admitted, “I tend to go for comfort.”

“What, did you think that coming out would magically give you fashion sense?” chuckled Laf, “Being gay doesn’t work that way.”

“I’m aware of that,” I rolled my eyes.

“Also very few people gay or otherwise could hope to be as fabulous as me,” Laf grinned.

I chuckled, “I believe it.”

Before we could continue our conversation, the office door opened.    
  
“Come on in, boys,” Jefferson said.

The two of us rose from our seats and entered the office which was covered with what seemed like hundreds of motivational posters. I hate this office.Despite it being Jefferson’s office, Principal Washington was sitting behind the desk. He looked just as thrilled as me to be surrounded by those stupid posters. 

“Go on,” Jefferson urged George and Sam.    
  
The two of them looked at each other, but didn’t speak.    
  
“Apologize,” Principal Washington told them.    
  
They mumbled something that sounded like it might have been an apology at some point.

“Very good,” Jefferson clapped Sam on the back, I couldn’t help but smirk as he physically recoiled at the touch.

“We are a no tolerance school,” Principal Washington added, “This will not go unpunished.”

“That’s right,” Jefferson continued, “we fully support Gilbert and John’s right be boyfriends.”   
  
Laf and I exchanged a glance.    
  
“We’re not boyfriends,” Laf said.    
  
“Partners, then,” Jefferson flapped his hand, “or whatever you kids are calling it these days.”   
  
“We call it not being in a relationship at all,” I said.

“You be you,” Jefferson continued, “it’s great that you’re rejecting labels.”

“That’s enough, Thomas,” Principal Washington sighed, “Please escort Mr Seabury and Mr Hanover back to class.”

Jefferson left with Sam and George in tow and I was glad to see them go.

“I apologize for their conduct,” Principal Washington said, “Unfortunately, they probably won’t get the punishment they deserve because both their fathers are on the school board.”

This was actually a fact that George bragged about constantly, not that it really seemed really brag worthy.

The principal smiled at the two of them, which was a rare occurrence. 

“For what it’s worth,” he said, “I’m proud of you boys for being true to yourselves at this time in your lives. Now go on and get to class.” “Yes sir,” I replied and the two of us got up to leave.   
  
“Oh, and Mr Laurens,” Principal Washington called out, causing me to turn back, “My wife says that you’re doing a wonderful job at rehearsals this year.”   
  
“That’s a lie,” I replied, “I’m a terrible dancer.”   
  
The Principal shrugged, “Can’t say I didn’t try.”   
  
I don’t think I’d realized how cool Principal Washington is.

\----------  
  
My day continued and I went back to class thoroughly dreading going to rehearsal. I doubted Maria would be speaking to me and I wasn't sure that I could get through it without actually attempting to strangle Lee. I could see him eyeing me every time we paused, but I tried to hang out by Francis, who was playing double duty today as Stage Manager and rehearsal pianist. Even though I'd still heard nothing I found myself still wondering who Ender was, and if I would ever find out. I still couldn't help but wonder, maybe it was Francis? When all of the Kit Kat dancers were released for the evening, I steeled myself and turned to Francis. 

“Are you Ender?”  
  
Francis turned to me, surprised and also apologetic.   
  
“No, sorry.”  
  
“Right,” I mumbled, grabbing my bag and half ran out of the auditorium and out of the school. It was just starting to get dark outside as I made my way to my car.   
  
“Laurens! John, wait up!”  
  
Oh goodie. The last person I wanted to see. I tried walking faster, I was seriously not in the mood for any of Lee's nonsense. I underestimated how fast he can walk, though, and he soon caught up with me. He grabbed my wrist to stop me and I quickly pulled it out of his grasp. 

“What do you want?”

Lee was panting, his face slightly red, "I wanted to say I'm sorry, I didn't realize this would happen-"

"Well you should have thought about that sooner," I glared at him.

“I’m really sorry,” he repeated, but I didn’t let him continue. 

“You know what? No,” I snapped, “you don’t get to apologize about this and then feel better. It doesn’t work that way. Not about this.”   
  
Lee looked like he wanted to interrupt, but I wasn’t finished.

“You outed me in front if the whole fucking school!” I snarled at Lee, “You took coming out away from me. It was supposed to be my thing, to keep or to share at my own discretion and you stole it from me. So do me a favor, Charles, and fuck off away from me!”

Lee looked shaken, but I didn’t wait for a response. The feeling of satisfaction faded into a horrible tightness in my chest. It took me several minutes of sitting silently in my car before I felt calm enough to drive. When I got home I had no desire to speak with anyone, but my mother very clearly had other plans for me. She was reading a book on the couch and looked up when I entered. 

“Come sit,” she said.    
  
“I’m really tired, mom,” I tried to excuse.    
  
“Sit,” she repeated, a little more firmly.

I let out a sigh and took a seat in a nearby chair and I could see her stern gaze softening. We sat there for a moment, before I found myself speaking.   
  
"Did you know?" my voice cracked, as mentioned my mom is a child psychologist so I truly did wonder if she deduced something.   
  
"I knew you had a secret," she replied.

I couldn’t help but be curious, “How?”

“You’re my baby,” my mom replied, “I’ve known you your whole life. I could just see that there was something eating you up inside. I didn’t want to push, though, you needed to make the decision in your own time.”

Once again I was overwhelmed with guilty feelings.

“It was like you were holding your breath,” she continued.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat as I listened to the words she was saying.

“And I keep thinking about how you said ‘I’m still me...’” she continued.

At that point, she looked me in the eye. 

“And it’s just so true. This has always been you, you’re still the same little boy who thought he was being so noble by waiting all the way until five thirty before waking us up for Christmas presents. The same little boy who prefers corn over peas. The same little boy who could never hold off blowing out his candles until the end of the Happy Birthday song. And that little boy has grown up into the young man that I see before me, but he’s still the same little boy.”   
  
Oh god, I was getting emotional. Like really, really, really emotional and it was equal parts unnerving and cathartic.   
  
"I want you to hear this," my mother went on, "I know this, but I want to make sure you know that  you are the same son, I love to tease. Who your father depends on for well...everything."

"Jacky... Your father...." My mother paused, "you know he's not good at the whole feelings thing."

“Mom,” I said, “he’s one of the most openly emotional people I know.”   
  
My mom chuckled lightly, “Okay, yes that’s true. He’s certainly not afraid of his feelings, but sometimes talking about it can be difficult.”   
  
When she put it that way it did make a little more sense in my head.   
  
“If I know your father, and I do,” my mom continued, “he’s just trying to formulate the right way to say what he wants to say. Just be patient with him. He loves you very much and I know that this hasn’t changed anything.”   
  
I still felt uncertain but I knew I really should listen to her.   
  
The rest of my first week back to school continued pretty similarly to that day, although George and Sam were a little more subtle with their “hilarious” jokes at my expense. On Friday, we didn’t have rehearsal so when I headed home it was still a normal time of day. As I was heading around the house to the side entrance that went into the kitchen, I found my dad taking down the Christmas decorations. I decided to take it upon myself to see if he needed any help with the task.

“Want a hand?” I asked softly.    
  
My dad had obviously been very focused on the task because he started a little. Thankfully he was on the ground winding lights and not up on the ladder.

“Uhhh sure,” he replied, “can you get the bin from the garage?”

My dad’s holiday decoration bins were practically his pride and joy, even more so than the actual decorating. I was almost surprised he trusted me enough grab the proper container but didn’t say anything about it. We worked in silence for several long minutes, winding lights and carefully placing them in the bin meticulously. I kept trying to think of a way to break the silence between us. There had to be something I could do or say in this situation right? Finally, it was my dad who gave in first.    
  
“Son,” he said, “I think we need to talk.”

“To be honest I’ve been kinda waiting for it,” I told him setting down another strand of lights.

“I won’t deny that your...announcement the other day came as a shock to me,” my dad continued, seeming unwilling to actually look me in the eye, “and I started thinking back, trying to see if maybe there was something I missed, some sort of sign that you were holding this inside you. And then,” he sighed, “then I thought back on some of the things I’ve said over the years, jokes I’ve made that I never realized the homophobic connotations and I just...my heart just broke to think that I was saying these things and you were feeling them so personally.”

“Dad...”

“And to think of how I hurt you... I don’t like the idea of hurting you Jack,” my dad’s voice cracked, “and I want to apologize for everything I ever said that might have done just that.”

“Dad, if you start crying then I’m gonna start crying,” I informed him.

I watched my dad sniffle for a bit knowing we’d both be gone in the next thirty seconds, “I can’t help it.”

“It doesn’t matter, dad,” I told him, “about what you said. I know you didn’t mean any of it, not really.”

“That doesn’t change what I said,” he said.

“Then I forgive you,” I told him with determination. 

And that broke the floodgates. I found myself wrapped up in a bone-crushing hug.

“So what now?” My dad asked we broke apart, “Should we join Grindr?”

I paled as soon as he said that, “You know dad, that’s probably not a great idea.”   
  
“Why not?” my dad raised his brow, “Isn’t it just a Facebook for gay people?”   
  
I sighed, “No, dad. No it isn’t. Why don’t we make some hot chocolate instead.”   
  
“You mean we should bribe Jemmy to make us his special recipe,” my dad grinned.

“I suppose we could do that,” I laughed.

  
  



	10. Interlude: Emails

From:  igiveumyworld@gmail.com

To:  oneandthreehalves@gmail.com

Subject: Please read this...

 

Dear Ender,   
  
I don’t even know if you’re reading my emails, but I really hope you are. Even if you haven’t been, I hope you read this one. These last couple of weeks have been downright insane, in some ways good, and some ways bad. Needless to say it’s been a little intense. Part of it, of course, you know. I was outed to the entire school thanks to an “anonymous” benefactor of mine. I’m sure you saw the amazing display in the cafeteria that was brought about by that. Based on that I can understand why you might want to stay out of this for now. It’s a lot for anyone to handle. But that isn’t the end of it. 

I also came out to my family. On Christmas morning. While we were opening presents. Yes, I know it probably wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had. But it went okay except that my dad hardly talked to me for almost two weeks. But we’re good now, he suggested that we should both join Grindr, thank god I got out of that without actually explaining what it is.

In any case, it really was a weight off my shoulders. Especially since none of my friends are speaking with me. I’ll admit that it kind of was my fault. I let Mr. Anonymous pull me around and blackmail me into meddling in my friends’ love lives. I’m definitely not proud of it, but I panicked and I was too worried about coming out to think clearly. I know I need to apologize to them, and I will. I just also wonder if things will ever be the same again. 

If none of that has scared you away completely, then this brings me to the big climax of my email. I want to meet. I’m not saying that it has to mean anything or that it’s a promise, but please I need to meet you. I need to know that you’re actually real. 

If you also want to meet me, then this is what I ask of you: After opening night of Cabaret, meet me at the Winter Festival, and I mean it, I will be there. I’ll be there until they close if I have to, on the final ride of the evening on the tilt-a-whirl. I really hope you’ll be there. And since you know who I am now but I have no idea who you are, it’s up to you. No pressure.    
  
My dear Ender, I hope to see you soon.    
  
Love,

John

  
  



	11. Chapter 5

I still pondered on how exactly I was going to work on making it up to my friends. It was Saturday and usually I’d be playing video games with Herc or hunting for the perfect Froyo spot with Eliza and Maria. Instead I was in my room, looking out my window scratching Cher behind her silky black ears.   
  
As I sat there, feeling completely at a loss, I saw Eliza walking with her family’s dog across the street. Struck by sudden inspiration, I rushed downstairs and hurried to put my shoes on. I grumbled to myself when one’s laces were too tight and I had to undo and re-tie it, but then I was out the door.    
  
"Liza!" I sputtered, also cursing the fact that I was running in skinny jeans, "Eliza!" 

If she didn't stop soon this might be a pathetic attempt at recreating A Streetcar Named Desire. Although she didn’t fully stop, and I’m not sure if it was on purpose or unconsciously, she did slow down enough that I was able to catch up with her. 

"What are you doing?" Eliza asked.   
  
I had a whole plan and then it was gone, "I.... I'm out for a run."   
  
Eliza looked me over, "Dressed like that? You're gonna die."

“These are my running jeans?” I tried.    
  
She definitely wasn’t buying it.    
  
“You’re such a horrible liar,” she told me, “I’m honestly surprised you were able to keep so many secrets for so long.”   
  
At that point I finally had to stop to breathe, “You and me both.” I panted.

Eliza stopped and walked back a few steps, her dog stopping to sniff at my shoes.

“You obviously have something to say,” Eliza said, “so go ahead and say it.”

“I really want to apologize,” I got out, straightening up.

“Go on,” Eliza prompted, crossing her arms. Almost as if in agreement, the dog sat by her feet.

“I’m really, really sorry, it didn’t matter what Lee was doing I should have told you guys,” I brushed my hair from my face, “it was stupid and unfair.”

Eliza was silent for a long while and I fidgeted slightly where I stood. 

“We’ve known each other for so long,” she said finally, “and you’re one of my very best friends, so I can’t really find it in my heart not to forgive you.”   
  
I looked up at her, mildly surprised.    
  
“Looking back, cutting off all contact probably wasn’t the best way to deal with the situation,” she continued, “It was Herc’s idea and I didn’t really do anything to sway him away from it. Unlike Maria. Which...why did you tell her? I know it’s a really personal thing, but I don’t know what I did to make you feel like you couldn’t tell me.”

I felt my face get warm, “I dunno, I guess since she hadn’t known me as long she wouldn’t have the same expectations.”

“I don’t know if I understand,” Eliza admitted. 

“It’s like this,” I explained, not really knowing what I was going to say until o said it, “with you and Herc, I have so much history to contend with. You guys have got this image of me, of who I am as a person, and I was so worried about shattering that view. But with Maria...it’s only been a handful of months. She knows my surface, but not all the layers underneath.”

Eliza nodded mulling it over, “I guess an explanation is better than nothing.”

I breathed a sigh of relief, “Thank god, because I have so much to tell you guys about.”

“Sleepover at yours tonight?” Eliza asked.    
  
“Definitely,” I agreed.    
  
“I’ll tell Herc that the vow of silence has been broken,” Eliza replied with a nod.

I then watched as she closed her eyes and inhaled deeply like she was meditating.

“What are you doing?” I found myself asking.   
  
“Just killing off all traces of hetero-John in my mind,” Eliza replied calmly.   
  
I laughed. 

 

—————

 

The next couple weeks passed by in a flash. It was so nice to have my friends back, although it was awkward with Herc for about five seconds that first night of the sleepover. I was thankful that my parents were as cool with Herc staying over now that I’d come out as they had been with Eliza staying over all those years they thought I was straight. In any case, opening night kind of crept up on all of us.

“I’m nervous,” Maria confided as she wrapped her thin black shawl around her shoulders.

“You’re gonna kick ass,” I smiled, “now how does my eyeliner look?”

“A mess,” she replied, “You look like a raccoon.”

“I don’t!” I huffed.    
  
“I may be overreacting,” admitted Maria, “but still you have to let me fix it for you.”

“Fine,” I rolled my eyes dramatically.

“My dad is here tonight,” Maria told me as she was fixing my makeup, “I don’t actually know how he found out about it, I never told him. Maybe my mom did.”

“How do you feel about it?” I asked, trying my hardest not to blink while she did my waterline.    
  
“Conflicted,” she admitted.

“Well if he does something stupid I’ll beat him up for you,” I tried to puff out my chest.

“How valiant,” Maria laughed.

“I’m a knight in shining armor,” I said, “or at least in shiny pantyhose.”

“What a nice thought,” Maria snorted, “So... do you think Ender is out there?”

“Is it weird that I’m not sure if I even want him to be out there?” I asked.

“Any reason why you wouldn’t?” Maria  asked.

“You mean besides traipsing around in something that looks like pleather lederhosen?” I scoffed.   
  
“Yes besides that,” Maria chuckled.

“I guess I’m just a little scared,” I mumbled, “he’s had a while to get used to who I am, but this is all new to me. And I kind of gave him a bit of an out, saying that he didn’t owe me anything. Hell, I don’t even know if he’s read anything I wrote lately.”

“Breathe,” said Maria, “Look, it this guy can’t see what an amazing person you are then honestly he’s not worth your time.”

I knew Maria was right but it still hurt, I’d poured my heart out to Ender. To never meet him? That was a terrible prospect. Francis stuck his head into the dressing room. 

“Places for top of show, everyone,” he said, “Five minutes until curtain.”   
  
“Thank you places,” we all chorused.

“You ready?” Maria asked taking my hand.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” I sighed.

Even though I went on stage before her, Maria and I both entered from the same place, so we made our way backstage. Unfortunately, Lee also entered from there at the very top of the show and he was already in place. To my surprise, he didn’t even bother trying to make eye contact with either of us. Instead, he actually looked a little frightened and turned away entirely. I did my best to ignore him, knowing that might be a lot little difficult since nearly every time I was on stage, so was he.

Maria held my hand in a tight grip right up until the moment I had to run on stage for my first entrance. After that moment, things were a bit of a whirlwind. If it wasn’t too crowded back stage, then I would be back there watching Maria and cheering her on from the wings.And then just like that it was over and we all gathered on stage to take our bows. I watched as Lee and Maria take the last of the bows, and I realized I was going to miss this show. I mean I definitely was not going to miss Lee, but I would miss  _ Cabaret _ .

I spent a little longer than I probably actually needed getting my stage makeup off and getting changed back into my normal clothes. I knew that my parents and Jemmy were waiting to see me out in the lobby before I made my way to the Winter Fest. But the thought of what Maria said still nagged me, what if Ender was out there? I mean I would never know, but still.

The first people I saw when I went to the lobby were Eliza and Herc waiting with a bouquet of flowers each. Obviously, Herc was saving his for Maria, who’d gotten caught up talking with Mrs. Washington backstage for a few minutes, but Eliza handed me hers.

“My favorite!” I gushed taking the flowers from her.

Eliza laughed and rolled her eyes, “Yeah right, you couldn’t tell the difference between a daisy and a daffodil if it bit you.”

“Ouch,” I said with a grin, placing a hand over my heart, “why do you have to hurt me like this?”

“Only ‘cause it’s true,” Eliza shrugged.

“Don’t look at me for help,” Herc said when I glanced his way.    
  
I let out a sigh, “Fine...”   
  
I saw my parents wading their way through the crowd towards us just then.   
  
“I’ll try,” I promised, “and you and I are splitting a funnel cake.”   
  
“Splitting?” Eliza scoffed, “As if.”

I shook my head fondly and made my way over to my parents. They were both beaming, as was Jemmy. Then I noticed someone else there too.    
  
“Matti!”   
  
I’d had no idea that my sister would be coming to see the show.    
  
“You seriously rock the eyeliner,” Matti grinned hugging me tightly, “you should make it permanent.”

“I’ll let Maria know you said so,” I laughed, squeezing her back, “she’s the only reason it was decent.”   
  
Matti laughed, “Perhaps I should give  _ her _ these chocolates instead.” 

She reached into her bag.

“Let’s not be too hasty,” I protested. 

“Oh you want these?” Matti dangled the box in front of me.

“I’m not too proud to beg,” I told her, “or to tattle on you.”   
  
Matti knee I wasn’t serious, but she relented and gave me the box. I resisted the urge to open it right away. I felt like if I ate something I might throw up.    
  
“Don’t eat it all in one go,” she cautioned.   
  
Just then my dad decided to interrupt the moment, “Best show by far!” he declared, “And Jacky, you were spectacular!”

“Thanks, dad,” I said, mildly embarrassed by his volume with that exclamation.

“Just let me be proud okay?” My dad said before bringing me in for a signature Henry Laurens bone crushing hug.   
  
“I suppose I’ll allow it,” I joked, my voice muffled by the way my face was pressed into his shoulder. 

“Good,” my father proceeded to squeeze even tighter.   
  
When my dad finally let me go, it was my mom’s turn.    
  
“You were wonderful, sweetheart,” she said, pressing a kiss to my forehead, “I’m so proud of you.”   
  
“Thanks mom,” My face got warm.   
  
“So what does Mrs. Washington have up next?” Matti asked.   
  
“She’s being frustratingly tight lipped about it,” I replied, “Kitty’s been asking for days.”   
  
“Well that might be enough to make her crack,” Matti snorted.   
  
“You’d think,” I agreed.    
  
I chatted with my family for a little while longer before they left. Matti was driving back to university the same night, so she needed to get to her car back at the house. 

“Don’t eat too many sweets at the carnival,” my mother warned before letting go to Winter Fest with my friends.

Sweets were definitely not the thing I was most worried about, but I agreed nonetheless and regrouped with Eliza, Maria, and Herc.    
  
“What are we doing first?” Maria asked.   
  
“Definitely the Ferris wheel,” Eliza said, “You can see the whole festival from up there and it makes it easy to plan a route.”

“Ooo!” Maria grinned. 

I’ll admit, I didn’t really pay much attention to what we did for the next couple hours. When I finally came back to myself, it was to Herc telling me that it was almost time for the festival to end, which only meant one thing. 

“Do you want us to wait for you?” Maria asked.    
  
“Or watch from behind the midway games?” Herc put in, then let out a noise or complaint when Maria elbowed him in the side. 

I took a deep breath in and glanced over at the tilt-a-whirl. This was it.   
  
“You can do whatever,” I spoke absently, my mind was racing as I thought about Ender again.

I don’t know what they did, I wasn’t paying attention. I steeled myself and went over to the tilt-a-whirl. The operator was watching the ride spin through half-lidded eyes.    
  
“Three tickets to ride,” she told me in a bored tone, “Last one of the night.”   
  
Absently, I handed her the tickets. The previous ride came to an end a few minutes later and still nobody had approached me. I did my best not to look around too much, I didn’t want it seem too overeager. I began to fiddle with my hands as I glanced around. A few others were there for the last ride of the night, and I scanned over all of them.  Not that I had any clue what to look for. In any case, everyone was either there with someone or female. My heart felt heavy with the fact that Ender hadn’t come. I’d already given my tickets, so I decided to ride anyway. I sat in one of the cars of the ride, waiting patiently for the attendant to come around and close the safety bar.    
  
“Is this seat taken?”   
  
That voice, it was so familiar and yet I couldn’t place it. I looked up.    
  
It was Alex and he had this adorably nervous smile on his face.   
  
“No,” I replied, my face turning red. There was no way this could possibly be happening right now, it had to be a coincidence.   
  
Alex sat beside me in silence as the attendant closed and checked the safety bar. Just as the ride started moving, it hit me. Alex. Alexander. Ender.    
  
“It’s you,” I said, probably more surprised than I should have been. 

“Yup,” Alex laughed as the ride lurched and started into motion.   
  
The tilt-a-whirl wasn’t particularly conducive to having deep conversations, especially based on how white Alex’s knuckles were as he gripped the safety bar, so those few minutes passed with only the accompaniment of little shouts and screams from other riders.    
  
When we finally got off the ride, I was so excited to know who Ender was. I desperately wanted to talk to Alex about everything, but he was very quickly turning green. Perhaps the tilt-a-whirl had been a bad idea, maybe I should have picked something safe life a carousel or ferris wheel.

“I don’t do great with spinning,” Alex said, swallowing, “Motion sickness.”   
  
“Alex...” I started, maybe meaning to apologize or something, but he rushed on.    
  
“But I needed to meet you. For you to meet me. For us to meet with both of us knowing who the other is because I still feel like I want to kiss you all the damn time.”   
  
And that was when he found the nearest trash can and threw up. It wasn’t exactly a storybook romance, but the intent was certainly romantic in its own way. But wouldn't be my oif it was all “and they lived happily and gaily ever after.” Eventually, Alex returned looking a lot less green than before. I handed him a bottle of water that I had bought from a nearby snack cart.    
  
“Thanks,” Alex said, “Don’t I make a great first impression, though?”

“That’s kinda my fault,” I sighed looking back at the ride, “do those normally make you sick?”

“I don’t really go on a lot of them,” Alex admitted, “but I can’t read in the car, so probably?”

I laughed a little as we went to sit down on hay bale turned bench. I sat quietly while Alex sipped the water for a moment.

“So,” I said after the silence had stretched for a little bit, “What happens now?”

Alex shrugged his shoulders, “I dunno, I’ve never done this before.”

“But you still want to,” I clarified, “do this, I mean.”   
  
“Yes!” Alex replied quickly, “I do. I...honestly I’ve kind of liked you for a while. Even before all this stuff happened.”   
  
I blushed.

“To be honest I’m glad we got this figured out,” I sighed.   
  
Alex reached for my hand, my heart beat fast, “Me too.”

“Can I kiss you?” I blurt out.    
  
Alex blinked, “Even with my vomit breath?”   
  
“I’ve waited too long to let that stop me,” I told him.    
  
“Okay.”   
  
So I went for it, able to look past any “vomit breath” as he called it and I couldn’t have been happier.


	12. Epilogue

Getting up for school never got any easier, but still I had to do it. I was finishing up some last minute homework when my phone rang with a FaceTime from Eliza.    
  
“Did you see the tumblr?” she asked.    
  
“I swear, you’re addicted to that thing,” I sighed.    
  
“No I’m not,” Eliza rolled her eyes, “did you look at it or not?”   
  
“Do I ever?” I asked rhetorically.    
  
As she launched into some story or another, I finished up my last few homework questions and packed up my bag. Eliza kept talking as I walked through the kitchen, bid my parents goodbye, took a few bites of whatever Jemmy was making for breakfast that day, I slipped out the door.    
  
“Are you even listening to me?” Eliza pouted.   
  
“I’ll see you in five minutes Schuyler, does it matter?” I replied.   
  
“Rude, Laurens.” Eliza huffed.

I laughed and got into my car.    
  
“Hear that? That’s me turning on the ignition,” I told her.   
  
“Hurry up, grandma, I’ve got loads more to tell you,” Eliza huffed, “It’s been a busy weekend.”   
  
“Whatever, see ya in a bit,” I hung up the call and pulled out of the driveway.

A few minutes later, I pulled into Eliza’s driveway and she hopped into the passenger seat, picking up her story exactly where she left off. 

“And then Kitty-“ Eliza spoke buckling herself in.   
  
“Oh boy,” I mumbled. Things were always interesting when Kitty was involved.    
  
Eliza simply kept talking as we pulled up at Herc’s house. I was always surprised with how many words Eliza could get in during the few seconds it took to pull out of her driveway and into Herc’s. She had since abandoned her tale about Kitty when Herc got in the car.   
  
“You would not believe the dream I had last night,” Herc sighed.

Eliza and I let out groans in unison.    
  
“I thought we put a ban on your dreams,” I said, “you can never remember them well enough to actually make them into a story.”   
  
“They don’t go anywhere,” Eliza added.

“They do to!” Herc countered clearly offended.

“Uh huh,” Eliza said, unimpressed. 

This of course caused Herc to launch into a description of his dream. He was actually doing decently this time around until about halfway through when I lost the plot a bit.

“I forgot what happened after the squirrels,” Herc trailed off sheepishly.

Eliza turned around in her seat to fix Herc with a raised eyebrow while I snickered. 

“Shut up,” Herc grumbled.

We pulled up in front of Maria’s building where she bounded down the steps to the car.

“Hey guys!” she greeted. 

Eliza turned back around so quickly that I almost got whiplash from it. I’d kind of thought that she’s gotten over her weird thing with Maria, but apparently not based on the light flush in her cheeks now. I wanted to ask her about it, but the look on her face deterred me from doing such a thing. I drove on to our next destination, which was actually not that far away from Maria, all things considered. When we pulled up at Alex’s house, his mother, Ms. Faucette, was grabbing the newspaper off the sidewalk.

She waved at me and I smiled back a little awkwardly. I’d met Ms. Faucette a few times and she was definitely very nice, but I still didn’t really know how to act around her. Thankfully, Alex came out the door a few short moments later. He gave his mother a kiss on the cheek before coming over to the car. Eliza climbed into the back seat to leave Alex room beside me.

“Hey,” Alex grinned at me as he stuffed his bag at his feet.

“Hi,” I replied, glancing back briefly before I leaned over to kiss Alex. 

I ignored the catcalling from the back seat, content in giving my boyfriend the morning greeting he deserved.

“Glad that’s over,” Eliza called from the back.

“Whatever,” I rolled my eyes as we started driving, as always our day was incomplete without iced coffee.

As we rolled through to the pay window and everyone else was digging through their pockets for their part of the money, I had an idea. It was a beautiful day, the first signs of spring beginning to bloom. Far too nice to be sitting cooped up in school all day. We pulled out onto the street when I turned in the opposite direction of school.

“What are you doing?” Alex asked, his brow raised.

“The sun is shining,” I replied, “there are birds and coffee and I’m here with my favorite people in the world.”   
  
“Sap,” Herc teased.    
  
“Do you want me to turn around?” I asked.   
  
In my rear view mirror I saw Herc shaking his head.   
  
“Anyway, how about we go on an adventure?” I proposed.

“Adventure!” Eliza cheered.    
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it! We really hope that you enjoyed coming on this journey, which has turned into the longest single fic we've ever written, word count-wise. We had so much fun writing this after having planned it for so long. We're not sure when exactly it will happen, but do keep your eyes peeled for the sequel, because there *will* be a sequel. We haven't left this universe behind just yet!

**Author's Note:**

> We don't usually write in first person. Hope it's not too weird ha.


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